Epilepsy and Traditions with Ana

Join me and my creative partner Ana for a chat and some laughs..  we share personal stories of immigration, identity formation, and cultural exchange. We discuss our experiences with creative writing, personal growth, and loss, highlighting the importance of empathy and mutual understanding. Siobhan and Ana also share our experiences with managing epilepsy, emphasizing the unique challenges of navigating a condition that is different for everyone. Through our conversations, we emphasized the value of seeking proper medical attention, open communication, and mutual support in fostering meaningful connections with others.

Transcript

Siobhan: 1:31

Welcome to ducking reality this week in the house is my friend, Ana welcome to the VA. I'm so excited because we've been talking about doing this for a while, I know. And then you have started something exciting that we're gonna get into in a little bit. But first, we're gonna start with a little bit about who Ana is. And, you know, how did you come to California? Because you're originally from the Dr. Correct and No, no, see? No. I knew there was something I know.

Ana: 1:57

There's, there's an interesting story here. My mom and dad are both Dominican. Right. And they got married in. This is a good story. I got married in 1965. But my father was doing his residency in Boston. Oh, yes. Boston connection. Yeah, that's New Jersey. My brother was born in Boston. my half brother, so my mom, they got married, but my dad wasn't at the wedding. Wait, correct. Okay. Get that? Look. How do you get married without a groom? Well, my grandfather stood proxy for him. That's weird, but fun. People don't see the look on her face. It's It's creepy. Weird, right. But it's kind of cool because she didn't have her visa yet. And it was during the American occupation. So she couldn't get out of the country. And so they had to do it that way so that she could get out of the country. So then she finally got her visa and they went she went and met him in Boston and then they moved to I want to say like Cleveland or something like that and got married there again. So and then they moved to South Dakota. Wow. Yeah, girl See, that's a huge like, huge change. Yeah, Island to tundra. Yeah. Why? I don't know why, because they were silly or chasing your dad's residency. Was he finishing like? Yeah, so he was in Boston. He was in residency. And at Did I even say that right? Worcester? What's the that's all he says. I stir, depending on where you're from Chester. And he'll be coming here you have to? Oh, yeah. I would love that. Yeah, in June. Anyway. So there were some colleagues of his one colleague of his that was from Aberdeen, South Dakota. And so he told my father and his friend who was also Dominican, or maybe he was Mexican. I don't remember anyway, that they needed pediatricians and other doctors in South Dakota. And so my dad and went to South Dakota, and I think that after my mom and dad stayed for over 50 years, wow. Yeah. I mean, my dad grew up on a farm in rural Dominican Republic. So farmers farm, you know, except when there's like five to 10 million feet of snow, right. Right. I know I don't. I have asked my mom and dad this a million times. And they really have no answer other than the people were really nice. We were very welcoming, which was to me a surprise in South Dakota to welcome you know, immigrants but it turned out great. I mean, I it was a great way it was similar to Alameda was Aberdeen, South Dakota. And I think at the time there were 35,000 people. Yeah. But yeah, made a lot of good friends there and stuff like that. So yeah,

Siobhan: 5:13

I never ever knew that you lived in South. Yes,

Ana: 5:17

I am South Dakota, born and bred. And then in college, I moved to Minneapolis to the University of Minnesota. And I think I lived there for like 12 years. And it was always my dream to live in the Bay Area. for no good reason. Other than a lot of pictures, a few visits, family friends. So in 2000, I moved here to San Francisco, and then I moved to the East Bay, and then Alameda in about 2017. Oh, nice. Yeah. And I've moved away twice. I moved to Mississippi once. So Tennessee, and then Portland, Oregon. But Alameda is home. Yeah, I keep coming back. I can get that. Yeah. It's beautiful. Here. It is beautiful. And it's like we get the both the best of everything because we're like, so close to Oakland so close to San Francisco. But we're our own little place. Yeah. I mean, I'm a small town girl who gravitated toward a small town. But I get my big city girl fix. Yeah, it's nice that I like love the city. And growing up in the city. I like I was always downtown. I was always like, just

Siobhan: 6:26

I got in trouble all the time for like taking the train before I was supposed to to go in town to like, hang out Downtown Crossing and whatever in Boston. And then, but now I'm like, I can't imagine living in downtown areas. Yeah, but I like to be close to them. Yes. Say, I want to be able to dip in and dip out like on any given day. Exactly. But I like that, you know, we're so kind of calm and quiet. That's

Ana: 6:49

so funny that you used to get in trouble for taking the train. I used to get in trouble for riding my bike around the block. Oh, we could be around the block. As long as we were in like screaming distance. Yeah. As long as we could hear the whistle, my dad's whistle to come home for dinner.

Siobhan: 7:06

But yeah, I remember I called my mom on a payphone once to be like, I'm gonna be late. And she's like, Well, where are you? You can't be that late. And I was like, Oh, I'm still in Forest Hills.

Ana: 7:24

I took the wrong train.

Siobhan: 7:27

A B. So did you were you born and raised in Boston? Yes. Oh, cool. Yeah, I'm second generation, if not third. But you don't have the accent I do when I get mad or really drunk. But I started tucking it away and the bartender when I was like, 18 Well, no, it's probably my early 20s. I bartended in between Harvard and MIT. Okay. And one night, we were just like, fucking around. And we had English accents. Like wigs. We used to do all kinds of fun things. And we made a little bit more money. Like, just like it wasn't that busy. And I was just like, do you think we made more money? Because we didn't have accents. And when the girls was like, No, that's not true. And I'm like, I don't know. It's interesting that that would figure into that. Yeah. Well, my mom also tucked her accent when she was at work, because she always thought it sounded more professional. Okay. And so because she worked in the medical field and so like, in which is kind of crazy because Boston is known for its hospitals. Yes, it is. And it's known for like that community. But still, she felt like there was a difference in how she was treated when she sounded local versus when she didn't. And so she kind of done it did it for just work. The rest of time she was her accent was kind of there. And so I started talking it at work at the bars, and I would make more money. Oh, wow. Yeah. Like why did they ever snobby rich white dudes that go to Harvard and MIT? Ah, there you go. And that's how I slip into my Midwestern accent. It only comes out like if other Midwest vendors are around. Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard that from you know, Oh, no. Oh, my dad. Oh, my God. Yeah, I can slip right into it. But you know, they always say I don't sound like that. Like, girl. Yes, you do. When I hear like a terrible accent on TV, I'm always like, all of a sound like that. Or like really most of us do. There's also like a different attitude. When I slip into it that comes out. That's just like a much harsher. Like. It's just a harder kind of aura that comes into my body. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, it's a little bit more feisty. And like I will fight you in a minute. Love it. Like, yeah, and it just like I heard, who was it? Oh, it was actually I was listening to Joe Rogan's podcast and he was talking to someone and they were saying to him, how come you don't have an accent if you grew up in Boston? And he said he got rid of it like going into acting and things like that. It was like a great accent and he was like, Yeah, on a guy it's really cool but on a girl. And I was like, Yeah, that's the thing too. Like if I'm like yeah, guy with a buck is out. Fucking packing and get some fucking BS like, it's now when I try to do it, it feels so forced that I now understand how Ben Affleck is so terrible at it. Oh, is he? In Goodwill Hunting? We all used to make fun of

Ana: 10:11

how it really was. What about Matt Damon?

Siobhan: 10:14

His was pretty on point. Because he wasn't it didn't feel forced with him. Were Ben's sounded more forced. Isn't that weird? Yeah. And when I wake when it slips out of my mouth, I'll be like, Okay. And every time it does someone's like, Oh, look at Yeah, listen, say it again. And it just is like, can you just let it

Ana: 10:32

go? My niece can slip in and out of it, too. You know, she slips in and out of it. And it's like, oh, do it again.

Siobhan: 10:39

It's funny because my brother lives in Boston. Still. He's a Boston fireman. And his he's got two kids that you know, are growing up. And they're 13. And my niece just well, 12 and 14, she just turned 14 last week. And they don't have accents. And sometimes when my brother says something that's really harsh. They'll point it right out. And they make fun of him. And it's like one of my funnest things.

Ana: 11:05

So great. can have a dad, somewhere? I don't know. I just like the hours or the absence of ABS.

Siobhan: 11:18

Yeah. All right. So you move to the bat, or you move to East Bay in 2017. What did you go to college for?

Ana: 11:24

No, I moved to East Bay in 2000. Sorry. Yeah. To the Bay Area in 2000. Yeah. Where did I What

Siobhan: 11:30

would you go to college for when you went to Minneapolis, Minneapolis.

Ana: 11:34

I did psychology, which is what most crazy people do. Fact. Flip the page. Oh, you know, narcissistic. Oh,

Siobhan: 11:45

I think it's just because we're trying to figure out ourselves and the crazy people around us. Yeah.

Ana: 11:49

I mean, for a little while I wanted to I really wanted to go to med school. And so I thought maybe that path, but I knew that I if I did go to med school or nursing, it wasn't going to be psychology after a while. So yeah, yeah. And then I did a graduate program at San Francisco State University for creative writing. That's

Siobhan: 12:10

amazing. And you've been writing kind of on and off, or have you been writing the whole time? Say that again? Have you been writing professionally? You wrote professionally for a while? Right? Can you kind of get out of that? Yeah,

Ana: 12:22

it's not incredibly lucrative. And you have to, you have to jump through a lot of hoops. And I mean, there's a whole backstory to that. But I, when I was in grad school, I had a internship at a publishing agency at a travel, oh, travel publishing. And so they found out that my family's from the Dominican Republic. And so I they asked me to submit a proposal for moon handbooks, Dominican Republic, and I ended up doing two, two editions of that. No, wow, I think it started in like 2005. I mean, they're long out of print. But it was an exciting time. I mean, it sounds a lot more romantic than it is to be a travel writer. You travel really only for three months. And then the rest of the year, you're stuck in a room chained to your computer. I know. I've been researching and writing. Yeah, I've

Siobhan: 13:26

been writing more and more. And I love it. Because I love kind of I have developed, like, enjoying being alone so much now, God, yeah, that, but it is like, it seems like such a fun romantic idea to be a writer. And then you're like, Oh, this sucks. But then writing is just hard like to sit down and write. Like, I've been listening to all these different books about like, how to write and how to, you know, capture the Muse and how to do all those things. And it's like everyone is so it's such a spectrum of how people get it done. Oh, absolutely. That it's like, alright, you just have to really find it's kind of like, like, you just have to find what works for you and leave the rest.

Ana: 14:02

Yeah, that's true. Are you reading fiction or nonfiction? Mostly

Siobhan: 14:06

non right now, but I dip into like, some fiction stuff sometimes just to get things out of me.

Ana: 14:11

Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, you have to stretch your legs into into places where you aren't uncomfortable, because that's where the art comes in, if you're uncomfortable, and I started out as a short story writer, and it's still my preferred medium, short story or flash fiction.

Siobhan: 14:29

What is flash fiction,

Ana: 14:30

flash fiction is? Well, people have different ideas about it. For the most part, I consider it like, got 1000 at the most words or less, okay, so I mean, I've written stories that were like two pages or one page or like three paragraphs. Some people call it micro fiction. But flash fiction, actually, more. More accurately, flash fiction is my preferred medium and it It's, it's often harder than, like, say a novel, which I can't write because I have a very short attention span. Right, exactly. But flash fiction and short, short stories are, you really have to keep it very condensed. And so the you can't get too wordy, right? Which is just beautiful to me, because it's the way that I talk and live. It's like, just get to the point. Yeah, just do that don't do a bunch of flowery bullshit.

Siobhan: 15:39

Do you have ADHD?

Ana: 15:41

I don't think I do. Okay, no, I just have a really short memory. I have a really short memory. So I have to like, go back to like, chapter one. If I'm writing a novel and think, What the fuck was this character?

Siobhan: 15:58

That one that I used?

Ana: 15:59

What was she wearing? Because I'm coming back to that. But yeah, so my thesis was part of it was, I think they said 30 pages of a novel. And, of course, mine was little short stories that could either be taken as an a full novel, or taken just as short stories, and it was based around pictures. But that sounds amazing. A whole other story to that, how I came up with that. But yeah, I guess for the purpose of this conversation, it was about short stories. And my preferred medium, short. I mean, like, one of the chapters, I think was two pages, but it did. It did have something to do with the, you know, like the Seventh Chapter, or something like

Siobhan: 16:52

that. So they were kind of inter woven exactly lightly, so you could take them either way. That's really smart, though. Especially like, that's, excuse me. That's taking like, it's using your superpower. You know what I mean? It's taking what you're good at and making like the assignment yours?

Ana: 17:08

Sure. But I didn't know that at the time, right. Oh, yeah. Because now if I was to take that story again, I would scrap the whole motherfucker. And I do get to swear on this, right? Oh, yeah. I get to scrap the whole motherfucker and start all over again and say, Okay, this story was really good. I just have to format it again, to what my strength is, uh, now I know what my strength is.

Siobhan: 17:29

How did you find your strength? Just with time or? Mmm hmm.

Ana: 17:37

Well, time I guess, and a lot of self reflection, a lot of self reflection, that and admitting that I will never fit into that box of novel. Maybe someday Never say never. But realizing that my way of talking and my way of meeting people, my way of getting stories out of people is very short little blips. And not short. little blips like in the sense that I don't want to know more or whatever, but it's more. Get to the point. Don't tell me how the weather is because I already fucking know. Tell me, you know, do you believe in God or not?

Siobhan: 18:19

Right to it. I think that's why we got a lot. We got a long way. Because we were both like, alright, let's either talk about real shit, or,

Ana: 18:26

yeah, I mean, total Scorpio or just Latina? I have no idea. It's just enough with the bullshit. Let's just move on.

Siobhan: 18:36

Yeah, I was gonna say I'm not either one of those things. And we get along pretty well. Yeah. But

Ana: 18:41

people have always told me that I'm a misplaced New Yorker. Because I don't like, which is true and not true. I mean, I, one of my dreams is to just live in the big cities. You know, just feel that energy and feel that you know. So that's kind of my immediate gratification, but it is getting to know people and then you get to pick and choose who you know.

Siobhan: 19:05

Yes. And that's a powerful thing to decide who has access to you and who doesn't?

Ana: 19:10

Yes. And that's only in the last three years. Yeah,

Siobhan: 19:13

I'm still learning that some days. Good. Like, I'm still sometimes giving too much away or like, giving too much to others and not giving myself enough. And it's really hard, especially like, Yeah, especially when you grow up like we're closer in age. And so like when we grew up, it was like, we're here to help. You're here to this. Like, yes, women are kind of second class citizens and like,

Ana: 19:35

are we really close age though? Well, yeah.

Siobhan: 19:38

Really? Yeah. We're probably within six years. Girl that's not close to age. If not closer, I'm 54 Are you really? Yes. I didn't think you were over 48 Ah, like I look because I appreciate it. I'll be 44 like I thought you were

Ana: 19:55

really what this whole thing.

Siobhan: 19:58

Y'all wish I didn't have my camera? I set up right now.

Ana: 20:02

Yes, 54 I'll be 55 this year and somebody just reminded me of that they asked me how old I was right now. And I was like, am I 52? And they were like, no wanna? You're 54 I'm gonna be 55 I guess that does deserve a party. It does. Or a big trip. Yes.

Siobhan: 20:23

Either one. Yeah, I think people who don't like their birthdays, I get it for, you know, whatever you're comfortable with. But I'm like, birthdays are a big deal. Because like you're getting to celebrate something someone else hasn't. Oh, absolutely. Like, especially in the last, you know, after last year in losing Wilkie. And so shockingly, and and so many of my friends have been losing people all over. Yes. It's been wild this last couple years. I know what I don't know.

Ana: 20:48

I think maybe it's our age that people are starting to die off and people

Siobhan: 20:52

in their 40s shouldn't be, or early 50s shouldn't be just like one of my friends, Steve, who will meet later on in the season. I don't know if you'd call these seasons, but he had like three friends die in like, I don't know. Probably three or four months. Yeah. Okay. How is he? He's in his early 50s. That's a lot. Yeah. And it's been just wild. My friend Pepe just lost one of her best friends was Francis in San Francisco like, and just he's in his 40s. I mean, it's just been and not all of them. And most of them have not been drug overdoses. Which is, you know, we're in the bay. So a lot of people just assume it's drugs. A lot of it has just been like, health problems. Oh, my God. And it's been wild and weird. And yeah, just reminds you how like, precious everything is absolutely.

Ana: 21:41

I had a friend die when I was in my 30s. And she was one of my best friends. And she was just a beautiful soul. But she did die of a drug overdose, and on New Year's Eve. So it's like, God, you know, and that's when it started to tumble. You know, it took a little bit, but now, you know, a bunch of family members are dying and all that shit. So generations are peeling off.

Siobhan: 22:06

Yeah. And it's hard. And like, Grief is a weird fucking thing.

Ana: 22:12

I've never lost anybody really close to me. But my father was very close. And so And my favorite uncle died maybe like, five months ago. Geez, really? Five months? Yeah, but so it's like generations are just going yeah.

Siobhan: 22:28

I once had a friend who was like, You're good at death. And I was like, I don't know how to take that. I mean, because I, I'm like, It's not that I'm good at it. I've just been through I have a huge family. So like people, like my grandfather died when I was nine. My one of my favorite ones died when I was 12. And like, she had breast cancer. And so we basically watched her die. And so it was like beautiful and emotional and changed me forever. And like, so when other people started to die, like it's just like, Okay, this is what you do. Like, right? It's almost like I go into like a checklist. Yeah, like, let me make sure this is good. We have food. We have this. We have that like, so it's just like a mood. And then my dad had three siblings and six months die. Yeah. And so I mean, he's got plenty more leftover. There's like nine still left Catholic. lapsed, but yeah. We were too poor to be Catholic. Or they were

Ana: 23:21

because they pass the basket around.

Siobhan: 23:24

Like they were just working all weekend. So getting up on a Sunday morning. Church was nice. Yeah, yeah. But I was like little little before, like, probably after my first communion was when we really dipped off going to church. I mean, I went to church all the time, because I was in Catholic school. Yeah, me too. But I was like, I think I was like, I don't know. fifth or sixth grade, the first time I went to the priest and was like, I got a question. Right?

Ana: 23:47

Oh, my God, that shit backfired on me. I once got sent to the principal's office for asking, Why is Judaism bad? Because I fully grasp that. And, and then I also wrote a book report on the Moonies. And it was a really good book report and included pictures. And I thought it was incredibly interesting. And I got a D because it was in Catholic school. I mean, maybe it sucked, I don't know. But it doesn't matter. Because I was the only one everybody else was writing on like, smoking is bad and all that shit. But I was like, Oh, the Moonies.

Siobhan: 24:28

I once got a D in religion. And I fought with a nun because I was like, how can you grade me on how I pray? Right? You can't. And she's like, because you don't pray. I'm like, Yeah, you don't know that though. Right? You can't Can you see me? What do you want me to talk to you like I'm talking to God, I'm not gonna do that. You're just a nun. And you're mean.

Ana: 24:45

Are you coming in the confessional with me, right? I used to go into the confessional with this one. Really great priest named Father Krugman, father, David Krugman. And he and I used to just tell jokes to each other. And then At the end of it, he would be like, Did you do anything bad? I was like, Oh, I was mean to my sister and I swore a little bit too much. Yeah, okay. Yeah, three Hail Marys by.

Siobhan: 25:10

Yeah, I had a great priest. So my was, I think we're in seventh grade. Like, also I grew up in Boston. So the priests thing is weird. Oh, why spotlight? movies based on? Yeah, really? So RPS we're all good. Well, no, they weren't. But most of them. You never had it. We had one priest, Father Nolan, who was it's Nolan used to dye his hair jet black and he always drove a brand new Cadillac, which I never understood, because how come you can drive brand new Cadillac if priests don't have any money? But he was always hammered. If he wasn't.

Ana: 25:45

He was totally Elvis. Oh, yeah.

Siobhan: 25:48

With a collar. We'd father Ward, who was my priest, like in grammar school, and he'd always be out in the parking lot. Just ripping butts. Really.

Ana: 25:57

You know, you look back and it's like, you were the shit, man. Yeah, we had one that was super hot. I think his name was Father fox and a list. Or maybe we just called him that. I don't remember but I always thought of him as father What a waste.

Siobhan: 26:12

He was beautiful. We I went on a my in between eighth grade and freshman year in high school. I went on like a Cy o trip. The Catholic youth organization. I only went because they were going to Paris. And they're gonna go to the Louvre and museums and I was like I am in. So I had a whole conversation with this great priest, Father McGinty who was like running it all. McGuinty that's so appropriate. He was amazing. I used to call him scruffy. I don't I don't even remember, have a scruffy beard. He had a gray hair. I don't ever remember having a beard scrappy. No. He was like, I think he was just a nice I don't, I cannot remember I'll have to ask my friend Molly. She'll remember. She like a steel trap memory. I will call her sometimes be like, hey, so did we do this or something? She'll be like, just there's always

Ana: 26:59

one in your friendships. There's always one who has seen a lot of memes about it lately. There's always one who has a crazy memory and there's always one who has like the memory of a goldfish. Yeah, and that's me.

Siobhan: 27:12

I was gonna say that's, that's us. But we went and I was like, so do I really have to go to church every day. And he was like, Yes, I'm like, okay, but two of these churches are right next door to museums. So how about as we go in, I'll just dip out to the bathroom. Go to the museum next door until it's over. What did he say? He was like, No, I cannot like I'm not gonna let you run around the streets of Paris by yourself. But I did sneak away once or twice.

Ana: 27:40

That's why you're into the job of travel. Yeah. I love it. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Talking to a travel writer. Yes.

Siobhan: 27:47

I know. I'm sorry. My first big trip is in May, around taking 20 people to Vienna, Budapest and Munich to visit bathhouses.

Ana: 27:57

I just saw an article about the top 10 Best sleeper cars on trains. And that's always been my dream, but my God, they're like 5000. I like skimmed through the articles like I don't even want to see the because it'll upset me.

Siobhan: 28:17

There's a train in somewhere in California. It's probably up in Napa where it's like a wine train. And like you take, I've taken that, but it was like, I forget how much it was like $500 for the afternoon or something. One of my friends had sent it to me. It's like this beautiful railcar and all this stuff. And I was like, Oh my God, this looks amazing. We should go. And then I looked at ticket prices. And I was like, we need two more jobs. Somebody gave that to me as a gift. Oh my God, I didn't realize how generous they were. Were they trying to sleep with you know?

Ana: 28:49

I think they had I think they won like something. So fuck that. But um, yeah, it was great. The food was good. And the train was really pretty. But you basically go, you know, I don't know how many miles and then it doesn't even turn around or go like this goes for like 500 bucks a ticket. I feel like I should get a turnaround Right? Or reach or at least buy me dinner. Right? Oh, that is a sterile walk nice to me. Tell me I'm pretty

Siobhan: 29:38

so, oh, this is here we go. So you were here. And then you've now said that your memory is terrible a couple of times. That's true. And like my memory is terrible because I think I've had so many concussions. For you. Yeah, probably at least four to six confirmed. I've been in a ton of really serious car accidents. Oh my god. Almost always as a passenger I was driving once I was at a red light and got rear ended. Oh my god and like terribly rear ended. Actually the day I decided I was moving to California. I was at a red light on my way to the gym. And I got rear and I saw him coming like he was driving like an asshole on the street and I pulled up at a light and he was still looking at the woman that was like, driving super slow, and he just creamed me.

Ana: 30:26

Did that seal the deal that said, I'm moving to California. I

Siobhan: 30:28

know. Well, part of me was like, now my car is fucked. Because he like pushed me so hard that I had front and rear damage because I hit the person in front of me. So my car was in the shop and stuff. And I was like, but really it worked out well because his insurance paid for me to take a rental to California. So my car was in the shop, they while it was getting fixed. And then they had to pay to ship it to me, really. So the miles that I would have put on my car driving here.

Ana: 30:53

I'm surprised the insurance did that.

Siobhan: 30:55

Well I because they didn't have a choice. It was his fault. He got out of his car and started to complain about how his brakes didn't work for her. And I looked at the guy who I hit and we both looked at each other. And we're like, the guy that I had hit was like, huh, looks like we're both suing him, right. And I was like, in his girlfriend was like trying to defend him and talking even more about how his car was a piece of shit when the cops showed up. So the cop kind of looked at me the other guy was like, you hurt.

Ana: 31:24

That's on paper.

Siobhan: 31:26

I didn't really make any money off of that accident.

Ana: 31:28

Now that you've got a rental car. Yeah, California that sounds

Siobhan: 31:31

so they gave me a rental car for like three weeks, until my car got shipped back out. And they paid for it all. Which was amazing. That's awesome. Yeah. So it was kind of like, oh my god, am I making the right decision? Because like, how am I gonna get there and all that stress? And that was like, Oh, actually, this works out in my favor. Yeah, but I did. I hit the steering wheel and had a slight concussion that day, like broke my sunglasses. And yeah, I saw him coming. And I like starting to like tense up. And then I was like, go you had enough time to think of like, you know, like, you see it come like, yeah, you're in an accident, like slow motion, but I could see I was watching him in my rearview mirror. Because he was driving like an asshole. And then he got caught behind this lady who was driving super slow. And so I went up over this hill and stopped at the red light. And I kind of looked back and I could see him coming. He he was totally looking like to the left as he came up over the hill, and was still going like 35 and just never noticed that we were sitting at a red light. Did anything happened

Ana: 32:32

to him physically? No, I

Siobhan: 32:34

don't think so. His car was messed up. Yeah, yeah.

Ana: 32:39

Yeah. Really high for like, yeah.

Siobhan: 32:43

Yeah, probably still no.

Ana: 32:47

And you're in California. Yeah. I know. You ever any plans to go back to the

Siobhan: 32:54

I mean, I go back to visit every six months or so. But I don't think I would ever live there. Again. I can't do cold weather. Yeah, exactly.

Ana: 33:02

That's how I feel. That's how I feel.

Siobhan: 33:04

I get bitchy. Now here when it's

Ana: 33:07

same. I'm a total weather policy. It's like I grew up in Blizzard Central. And, you know, I remember once in Minnesota, there was like, minus 70. Up north, up North. North. But here, it's like it gets down to like 51. And I'm like Bay.

Siobhan: 33:30

Being when I lived in like mid state New York for almost 10 years. And I like wouldn't turn my heat on until Thanksgiving. Like, even if it was cold all through October. In the beginning, I was like, Nah, it's too expensive, like throw a sweater on. And I'm like, Oh my God, how the fuck did I become my mother? But I was just like, I'm not paying for it. Like it's too expensive. And now I've turned on my heat here at like 50 but like just for like an hour or two to take the chill out have the same same but still on like I turned it on and like goes away for a walk. Yeah. for like days. Yes.

Ana: 34:11

It's like, well, that work? Yeah, yeah, totally. But

Siobhan: 34:16

but so your memory issues? Are they are when I guess did you get diagnosed with your epilepsy? And do you think that is what causes some of your memory loss? Absolutely.

Ana: 34:26

Absolutely. I was diagnosed at 13 which many people are diagnosed in puberty unless they had like a high fever or head injury earlier than that. Okay. And so I was diagnosed at 13 and I am pretty sure that it was happening maybe six months to a year before that. Wow. And nobody ever noticed but it got worse at 13 and then I went, let's see they they gave me some meds. And it did really well, which oftentimes people will go through it at around puberty and then be done with it. Like they grow out of it, which is what my brother did. Oh, wow. They are fortunate people. And so I went through my 20s, not unmad Not having seizures. And then at 32 They came back even worse. Oh, wow. Yeah. I started with just what they used to call Petit Mall. And then, at 32, I started having grandma, which is the kind that you fall down and you lose consciousness. And you I mean, unless consciousness before, but I'm 32, I started doing the fall on the floor, and the convulsions and all of that stuff. And it was really horrible. Because, for instance, my first one I lost about a month on either side of memory. So I don't remember a month before and the month after is very hazy. But so, and I'm incredibly fortunate in that I only have one every like, every few years, or something I'm so fortunate a lot of people have it more than, you know, daily. Or once it's, that's the thing about epilepsy is that everybody's is different. So there's no way to give like a stock answer, right? There's no way to give like, I've done so much reading on it. And there's no way to give a general explanation. It's also interesting and frustrating as hell can imagine, because I can't I can't pinpoint. They did say mine was genetic. But, um, as opposed to, you know, a head injury or a fever or something like that. But um, yeah, really frustrating to not know. And

Siobhan: 37:12

because even if it's genetic, it's still so different than like your brothers. He grew out of it. Correct. So there's no, there's no comparison. There's no roadmap to do you

Ana: 37:21

know, oh, there's no roadmap, that's a really good way to explain it. There's no roadmap. And I don't understand why. Mine came back at 32 or 30. Or 32. I don't remember. But, um, and it seems to have gotten worse in the last five years. Like, the last one I had. was probably in Jesus. I don't even know. 20 What is the year? 2024? Yes, probably. Probably 2022 or something like that. 20 I don't know. But I had eight hours, six hours of straight seizures. Oh, but I was conscious for most of them. And I've never done that. But as I'm feeling it's fucking terrifying and fucking horrible. Yeah,

Siobhan: 38:18

cute. It was just I.

Ana: 38:22

And I don't know. Some people do have that where they are conscious. But mine were. I have no control over my body. Absolutely not. And that's the only one I had where I was conscious. The other ones I had were like, I have been told because I don't know this. But apparently I scream really loud right before it. Oh, wow. And then I just fall in habit. And I don't know how long it lasts. But you wake up. And I do remember, there's this thing called an aura, which is right before you have a seizure, and some people don't have them and some people do. And I do. I will have Petey miles which is kind of a it's called an absence seizure. And so I'm not really there. I'm, there's like a weird lag time between conscious and coming back into it and how I like to describe it as like there's this rubber band pulling your soul out of your body. And so it pulls out and then all of a sudden it snaps your body into it and that's when you come to okay, and that can last. I don't even know how long I don't know how to describe it right? It's just a total out of body experience. But then see memory loss. What is the next thing I

Siobhan: 39:49

told you? What was on the docket? We're talking about when you get your seizures and like the kind of almost like a warning that you're gonna get one Ya know, what?

Ana: 40:00

An aura kinda an aura. So my auras are I've had a day of basically on and off petty malls. And oftentimes it doesn't register in my brain that something's coming until I look at it in retrospect, like maybe three days down the line. But after that, after the auras, then I come to this point where I do scream. It's like it's been explained to me like, like a blood curdling thing. And then I fall and I have the actual seizures. I don't know how long that lasts. Honestly, I don't I think it varies. But then I come to an hour to explain this. It's it's the most terrifying feeling that you can experience. For me, in mine. I don't know my own name. I don't know anyone's faces. I remember one time laying in the emergency room and seeing my sister. And remember and I know this in retrospect that it was her right. But I remember seeing my sister and being able to think I know that person. Why do I know her face? And her husband apparently was there too. And I was like, That guy's a stranger. I have no idea. Why is this guy staring at me?

Siobhan: 41:28

That's got to be one of the creepiest feelings ever. It is

Ana: 41:32

not just creepy, but it's it's terrifying to not know your own name. People ask you, you know, what is your name? Who is the president? What day is it? Blah, blah, blah, all those things that you are asked when you're in an emergency situation? And I'm like, I don't even know what a name is. I have no idea. Wow. And if people don't also, I remember those this one time where I was surrounded by a lot of firemen. Because normally, retrospect I'm like, damn, but yeah, right, uniform. But I remember thinking, this wall of people were looking at me. And there is not just a terrifying aspect, but it's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It's sobering. But that's after the fact. Because you realize that you are not in control of your own body. Right? You can die at any time. Make the most of life. Yeah, that's a lesson here for people who don't have epilepsy. live in fear every single day that that's gonna go away. I'm not allowed to take a bath alone. Well, you know, I mean, I do. I'm not in theory. I'm not supposed to take a bath alone be in the hot tub alone. Be you know. I am fortunate again, like I said, that I can drive. I mean, because my seizures are so far apart, that I'm able to have a license, although it's been taken away twice. No, wow. Anytime that you take an epileptic to the emergency room, they're going to take their driver's license away. And the only reason that you should take an epileptic to the emergency room is if you fear they have hit their head. Or they hurt themselves in some way. Or it's lasted longer than I don't remember the amount of time five minutes we

Siobhan: 43:45

can fact check it. Yeah, we did. That or someone will. Someone will listen and

Ana: 43:49

someone will listen. But yeah, it's only if it's lasted longer than the prescribed amount of time or you fear that hit their head. Otherwise, you don't need to take them because your liberty is going to they're going to be taken away. Right. And once you lose your driver's license if you have been driving I mean, it's independence that is taken away from you. Right. And that is humiliating that is frustrating that is creates a great deal of anger. You know, it's like I can live my life. I am epileptic and don't let it define me. Yet at the same time, it's I usually call it my fucked up friend. Because that bitch comes to visit me every once in a while she just won't fucking go she has ruined she just you know

Siobhan: 44:51

do you have like a? It this isn't probably the right way to describe it. But is it almost like a hangover effect? Like where you just be like shit and like just can't

Ana: 45:00

Yes, it's called the post post ictal. And that is right after the seizure, and I'm not sure how long that phase lasts. But it for days, God a week a month for me personally, I will suffer amnesia, short term memory loss not being able to because I, we tend to chew like basically our tongues off, right? And see your tongue is swollen, and you can't eat regular food. So it has to be all soft and a certain temperature and all that stuff, basically. And then also it's kind of like a stomach thing. Some people experience nausea. I don't I don't experience the nausea, but I experienced the end it also this is probably the most important piece is that you feel like you've been hit by a truck. You're just laying there and to have somebody touch your skin. It's fucking painful. Wow.

Siobhan: 46:11

Yeah, I wouldn't have thought that part of you.

Ana: 46:13

Oh, yeah. Because in a seizure, your muscles all tensing up to their biggest degree, right. And it's abnormal, obviously, it's abnormal. And so when you come out of it, you can't move without it hurting. Yeah,

Siobhan: 46:30

I mean, it makes sense. It's just I don't think I've thought about it that far, you know, like, and kind of when you're not exposed to something, you don't think about it that thoroughly, of course, although so my what I was gonna say about the epilepsy thing, and I don't know if we've ever talked about this. My college roommate, my first year of freshman year of college was epileptic. Oh, yeah. And she said to me, like, the first night in our dorm room, I have epilepsy and it usually happens at night. And if it happens, this is the things you have to do. Yes. And I just looked at her I was petrified. And I don't think I slept for the first month that we lived together. Because I was so afraid of it happening and then she would go out and get hammered. Yes. When she and she was on meds so she took meds. And I be like, so scared that she would like die in our room because she was out hammered. And I was like, and then it she kind of made it me. I felt like it was like my job to save her because I was her room. You know what I mean? Like she was like, here's your exam aid team.

Ana: 47:25

No, no, I get a lot of people feel that way. Yeah, um, luckily,

Siobhan: 47:29

she never had one when I was there. She had one at home or something, but I

Ana: 47:33

have them in my sleep too. Oh, um, they're not as severe as those but you know, they show up on EGS. But um Okay, it's funny. EGC there it is. Fuck, what was I saying that

Siobhan: 47:56

you have a midnight and your sleep? Yeah, that they're not as severe.

Ana: 47:59

Yes. And you need to post this stuff. Yeah, I need to keep this in. Because this is the shit that happens.

Siobhan: 48:04

Yeah, no, I think it's Yeah, I would. As long as you're comfortable. Because, yeah, that's so I am

Ana: 48:09

comfortable. Because this is education for people. Yeah. Not just people who know me. But people who are epileptic, knowing that there's somebody out there advocating for them, right? And somebody explaining things that a lot of people who don't have epilepsy don't know, right? There's, it's like an iceberg. They often say it's like, there's this very tip, but there's this giant thing underneath that nobody is very rarely ever told, right? We was our fucking topic. Well, just

Siobhan: 48:41

know, we kind of want to fuck with you until you

Ana: 48:44

Okay, so we're not okay, so your roommate experienced these at night? She said, and she warned you? Yes. So I do tell people that I'm very close to I have certain friends who have keys to my apartment. I educate people on what to do if epileptics have seizures, not just for me, but for everybody. There's a lot of people who have epilepsy still don't talk about it because there is still a stigma.

Siobhan: 49:10

Yeah, I can imagine. Yeah, I have been

Ana: 49:14

Jesus. There's some really ugly shit that people say really? You say that? You're Oh god. Yeah. Well, you don't look like you're epileptic. What was so my my best answer to that was well, you don't look stupid. I like it.

Siobhan: 49:32

You don't look stupid. But here we are. And there you are. Yes, exactly. Wow. You don't look epileptic? Yeah,

Ana: 49:41

it's because I'm not wearing a fucking helmet. That's what people think.

Siobhan: 49:50

Like I should be wearing a helmet. People really are stupid.

Ana: 49:53

Very stupid. And uneducated. Yes. And that's why I like when people ask me about this stuff because I I am, I really do feel a responsibility to act as an advocate. I've been dealing with this for decades.

Siobhan: 50:11

Right?

Ana: 50:13

And so your roommate when she told you that it was not to make you feel responsible, it was more to just educate and keep educate. Exactly right. Exactly.

Siobhan: 50:24

But 18 No. Oh, never. I was like, it was like, one of the scariest for like, first month. Like I said, I probably didn't sleep. And yeah, I mean,

Ana: 50:34

it's terrifying when you don't know what it means, right?

Siobhan: 50:37

And that's why I was so just afraid of the not knowing. And

Ana: 50:40

then also that she would go and get hammered. We're not supposed to. And I do. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Yay. Jameson

Siobhan: 50:52

is not a sponsor, but couldn't be wanting to write. Write to us. Jameson, you can find my peal box on my website. Jameson.

Ana: 51:06

We're not on the same instance as the NorCal Epilepsy Foundation.

Siobhan: 51:12

You guys can send us swag. We'll send it out swag. Yep.

Ana: 51:16

We'll organize a 5k

Unknown: 51:19

We'll do a bar crawl. Alameda bar crowd sponsored by G NorCal. Epilepsy, medicine

Ana: 51:29

with ads on the site of helmets. They're not just for epilepsy, they're for drugs. Drugs. Credit few people look at me. Oh my god. So yeah, I mean, we're not supposed to get hammered. We're not supposed to do drugs we're not supposed to. For I mean, my triggers are lack of sleep. Stress. Bad nutrition. Yeah, I

Siobhan: 52:12

was gonna ask if there's certain things that trigger it and like, yes. Is there stuff that you can do for prevention? And I mean, that's kind of that list that you just went through? Yes. Yeah. And I imagine triggers are different for everyone not

Ana: 52:22

skipping your meds. I do quite often, which is terrible. And I drink and But the flip side of that is, I've had epilepsy for decades. I am not every single day. Since I was 13. I understand that today could be my last. So I try to live it to the fullest. Therefore I don't limit my life, right. Am I going to go deep sea diving? No. We're not supposed to. Am I gonna go? Jump out of an airplane. No. Number one that's fucked up. No, actually, I would do that before deep sea diving for sure. For sure.

Siobhan: 53:21

Is it because of the change in pressure? Yes. Okay. Yeah,

Ana: 53:24

changing pressure. They I don't know if they know exactly how that affects it. But that is one of the big pieces of advice that I'm not supposed to do. It

Siobhan: 53:33

still amazes me that it's, you know, 2024 and there's so much about like us as humans and the things that we go through that they really have no idea. I know like, I mean, later ology, but yeah, neurology like it's, they're still like, just learning so much.

Ana: 53:49

Chronic pain. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's it. And that's, I think, how we have bonded? Yeah, there's a lot about neurology that they just don't get. And a lot of people don't understand what you're going through if they can't see it. Yeah. For, like we said, if I'm not wearing a helmet, a lot of people have no idea that I'm epileptic until I tell them.

Siobhan: 54:12

Yeah, I wouldn't have known there's, there's no sign or symptom of it. You know what I mean? Like, there's no way well, it's with my chronic pain when I tell someone like oh, well, I'm in pain all the time. They're like, Oh, I got hurt once and blah, blah, blah. I got it. I'm like, you don't because it ended. And like mine doesn't ever end. It doesn't ever go was that from your car accidents. The biggest one is from my neck injury. So I had a stupid fall at work. And I tore things in my right shoulder almost tore my whole right shoulder. So I had surgery on that to fix it after a while. And I kept losing the feeling and my right hand. And I my neck was like my neck and shoulder was always in pain. So I kept going and saying like, if something else is wrong, I think something else is wrong. And they're like, No, it's your shoulder to shoulder you can think of there's something else wrong. And then finally when I I walked into the doctor's office I kept complaining. So they started sending me the nerve tests and EMGs, which are one of the most painful things you'll ever do. I think. So that's when they stick little needles in you and radio waves send. And they'll do it to both hands because they are both arms because they have to compare them. That's

Ana: 55:17

got to be really painful for someone with chronic pain. I've never had that done. Yeah, but I can't. Because you can't

Siobhan: 55:24

take anything because I need to know how everything's firing. And then it you know, my left arm is okay, so like, that's just painful. And my right arm was so painful. But then that was like more because I could feel it, but it was like deep. I don't even know how to explain it. So I'd had multiple ones of those. And they realized that the nerves were slowly dying, but they couldn't figure out why. And then I walked into the doctor's office one day and because they kept just giving me pain meds, and more pain meds and those don't. Those are no, no, I was on fentanyl for three years. Jesus. Yeah. Like I was a wreck. I almost never left my house. My partner at the time was working more hours a day just I think avoid being around me. It's

Ana: 56:06

hard. Yeah. And I don't want with chronic pain. Yeah, it was it was incredibly difficult in our relationship. It was constant pain. Yep. I could tell when it washed over her. Because the nurse, the narcotics would kick in. Yep. You know. And she ended up getting a spinal cord stimulator. Have they ever offered that they did.

Siobhan: 56:33

But then they did. They realized that my vertebrae had been, I had knocked vertebrae out of place when I done it in my cervical spine. And so for I forget it, like five years or something, they were just rubbing and grinding. And so they severed a few of the nerves through one of the outlets. And so eventually, they went in and put so I have six screws and two rods and my cervical spine, okay. And it's done anterior and posterior. Okay, so, all of that and so there's permanent nerve damage, and I lost partial, like, I don't have fine motor skills in my right hand anymore. Like my writing sucks after like five sentences.

Ana: 57:08

Have you learned to write with your left hand?

Siobhan: 57:10

I got decent at it. But with so much like computers and stuff. It's been a godsend because like to drop

Ana: 57:17

things. Oh, yeah.

Siobhan: 57:18

Yeah. Like when it was really bad. I would be doing something and I don't know. I couldn't. There was no like warning that the it would just stop working. So I'd like dropped something like what what is it right here something and I'm like, oh, that's on the ground. Let's I legit walked into the doctor's office one day on my arm was just totally numb. I couldn't lift it. And I put it on his table. And I like dropped it. And I was like, so are you cutting this off? Or am I? And he was like, what? And I was like, I'm not doing this. Like I'm not going to be on drugs for the rest. Like I was just a shell of myself. And yeah, and it's just I've seen it miserable. Again, still in a shit ton of pain all the time. I mean, at one point, I was on 100 milligrams of fentanyl. Every three days. I was on Vikon still for breakthrough pain. I was on like Gabapentin. I was on like Yeah, I mean, I was on some my blood pressure would get so high that they wouldn't let me leave the doctor's office sometimes. And because it's so close to my neck and the base of my spine. I would have migraines, like three to four days a week. Insult to injury. Yeah. Yeah. And Migraines so bad like I couldn't see. Or I couldn't be in light. like I would any kind of like yeah, lay in my dark bedroom with like my covers over my head with absolute silence. How long did that last? It would sometimes. Oh, the migraines. I haven't had one that bad in probably. Probably four years probably since I moved to California for you. Yeah, I think the weather out here helps. Like I can sometimes I'll start to get like the almost like an aura of them coming on. So I'd like a bunch of things that I do to help to prevent it. Good for you. That you've figured that out. Yeah. But it also was all trial and error. Absolutely. It is. They just don't teach you much. Like

Ana: 59:03

because they don't know much. Yeah, before

Siobhan: 59:05

I moved to California, I had an appointment with speaking a pain specialist in Boston. And she was like one of the best, you know, I waited months to get that appointment. And when I went into her, I was like, we sat down and my mom was with me. And she's like, Okay, so tell me about it. So I'm going over like my pain and she's like, okay, yeah, that's like, yeah, okay, yeah, that's, I've heard this, I've heard this. And she's like, so what do you do with it? I went through all my stuff. And I'm like, and I've done acupuncture, and I do this and I do that and she's like, okay, okay. Alright, so what do you got for me? Like, what are we doing? What's the new plan? And she was like, I'm really proud of you. And I was like, thing and, and I'm like so and she's like, well, I don't really have much more to say to you or offer you. And I just looked at her and was, excuse me. And she was like, you really have found like all the things that we would suggest. And I was like, and I just start crying, of course. And I was like Okay, then let's go I'm like and I just start You get up and walk out. And she's no notice it. And I was like, she's like, well, we could talk about some edits. And I was like, if you're gonna talk to me about putting me back on more fucking drugs come out. Because at that point, I used weed to get off of fentanyl, and I weaned myself off everything. Like they didn't that's hard

Ana: 1:00:15

with those drugs. Yeah, that's hard work. Well,

Siobhan: 1:00:19

I've done it twice, and in a completely wrong way. Do not follow this at all. Disclaimer, yeah. My sister in law had had my knees. And this was actually 14 years ago now are just under because. So she had been born and I think I had had, no, she must have been, she must have been like three or four. So I said something about like, having her can't wait for my brother and his wife to go away or something. And my sister in law was like, but I can't leave her with you. And I, she didn't say it to me mean, she's protecting her kid, of course. And I was just like, What do you mean? And she's like, You're not yourself. Like, she like half the time. I don't even know if you knew you're here. And she wasn't wrong. But I was so kind of insulted. And I part of me was like, She's calling you an addict. And I was like, I am not an addict. Right? Because I grew up with him. I knew that, you know, when I was always taking less medicine prescribed I was, I would only all the doctors, I would go see, I always had them send prescriptions to my primary care so that you could like, check for interactions make sure I wasn't overdoing it. And trying to do everything right. Not to be an addict. Right. And, I mean, I completely was in hindsight, I mean, it's a hard thing to kind of admit. But she was like, I can't leave you with her because I can't trust you. Ouch. And so I went home that night and took my patch off. And just, that was huge. And I went cold turkey. Oh, wow. Which was stupid, because I could have died. Because those

Ana: 1:01:51

dehydrate? Yeah, you have to titrate on those. And

Siobhan: 1:01:53

I was sick as a dog. And I did it all by myself. Because I like I said my partner at the time was working. So he'd be gone most of the day. And so I was just like, in my bathtub, in my own everything asleep on the bathroom floor because it was easier to just leave that room. Right? And it was just terrible.

Ana: 1:02:14

I can't that's amazing that you stuck with it. That's fucking great. Yeah,

Siobhan: 1:02:18

well, because it's my niece. Like, I'm not gonna not be in that girl's life as big of a part as I could be, you know, and I just happen to be kind of feeling like, she was telling me I was a drug addict. I was just like, I am not like, this is not like I'm trying to do everything right. This is not my fault. Well, that's

Ana: 1:02:35

another reason why people don't get it. Yeah, people don't get what you go through when they can't see it. Yep.

Siobhan: 1:02:40

And like the depression that comes with Oh my god. Yeah. Being depressed on top of that

Ana: 1:02:46

depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks. It's just ridiculous.

Siobhan: 1:02:51

Oh, yeah. It's like I became a whole different person. Me

Ana: 1:02:54

too. Well, I don't even know. Yeah, I've been this since 13. So I don't even know what I would be like without epilepsy. Yeah, I have no idea. Yeah,

Siobhan: 1:03:03

I when I first got my period, when I was young, I got really bad cramps and every month and as I got older, they just got worse. But endometriosis was like, surgically diagnosed at I think 11 or 12. Really? Yeah, really young because I had a really bad case. And so I first get your period, it was like nine or 10 Wow, yeah, God, I was the first girl my grade. Oh, it was the first girl my grades to get my period to get my boobs. My boobs came in overnight. Like I went from like a nothing to a solid B cup. Good for you. Yeah, I'm sorry. They used to call me to buy for not anymore. We're like a three bye for now. Okay, God, but yeah, they didn't in like so I was in pain every month for at least a week. Like I would miss school. I would like yeah, so they put me on a bunch of drugs. They put me on birth control. Yep. Lupron birth control. chemically induced menopause twice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my freshman year in high school, I went through the first round of chemically induced menopause. So I was going through hot flashes with one of my teachers. Really, and I had to have special permission to take my sweater off. Because I went to Catholic Catholic school.

Ana: 1:04:32

That's some kind of fucked up shit. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:04:35

I had to have a special note that I could take my wool sweater off in class. Thanks nuns. Silence false. Wow. Yeah.

Ana: 1:04:52

I never thought about that. Because the Catholic school maybe? Yeah. Yeah, it was wild. Did people have have kind of a stigma against you. Oh, yeah.

Siobhan: 1:05:02

Even like my family would sometimes be like, Oh, you're sick again? Like, yeah, I'm gonna be sick again every month until you take my fucking uterus out. Yeah. And I begged and begged to, like, just take it out. It doesn't work. It makes me sick. And one doctor was like, Well, if we took it out, you could still maybe have problems. Okay? Well, let's try it whatevs. And they're like, well, not until you're 26. Did you know because by that time, I was in my serious relationship. And he really wanted to have kids. So I had said, like, I'll leave that option open, even though I didn't really want kids. I loved him. It was something that he said was it and then, you know, he was like, No, it's okay. It's not important. Then he hated me for it. Jesus after Yeah. Terrible. Like I every time we would get more serious, I would say, like you, you know that, like, I don't really want them and we probably can't have them. And if that's what you want, go get it. I'll help you find it. I think I love you. But I'm not going to. If that's something that you want that that's a non negotiable. Good for anything. Yeah, your health. Yeah. But as soon as I left him, it was one of the first things I probably did it within six months of leaving him. I had a hysterectomy.

Ana: 1:06:14

Good for you. Yeah, you took charge of your own health. Yeah, I

Siobhan: 1:06:18

called the doctor and she was like, and I sent her my notes. And she was like, Okay, let's schedule it. And I was like, thank you. It was in my mid 30s. By then. Okay. And I have not had pain since that day. And I was like, Who could I have been if I wasn't sick every month? Right? And because doctors kept telling me I would want to have kids. Well, if I wanted kids, I'll go get one. There's plenty of the ones. Many need. Like, why do you have to force me to be biologically mom? Like, I can really be a mom. No, no, no. And I would say that to the doctors all the time. They'd be like, you're gonna regret it. Like, why? How do you know me better than me?

Ana: 1:06:51

Well, that was

Siobhan: 1:06:53

a while ago, but it's still I think a lot of Massachusetts that you can't get a hysterectomy before. 26. Really? I didn't know that. I think it's most of the country has like a 20 Something age. Because you know, why should a woman make a decision about her body?

Ana: 1:07:06

Right? Why? Yeah, no, it's

Siobhan: 1:07:08

just getting worse.

Ana: 1:07:11

Yeah, I remember when I was trying, I was thinking about having kids and my partner at the time, and I were thinking about, you know, having sperm donor and stuff like that. And then the doctor said to me, you'll have to be off your epilepsy meds. And then if you're nursing, you'll have to be off them. And it just scared the shit out of us. Yeah. And I was just, what if I'm holding this week old baby and I have a seizure. And I drop right. You know, I dropped them was fucking crazy, you know? So it wasn't worth it to me. And

Siobhan: 1:07:50

she wouldn't have carried them. No, fair enough. Yeah, some women just No,

Ana: 1:07:57

no, no, exactly. And I mean, in a lot of ways, I'm okay with it. Because now I get to travel and take naps. Yeah. But you know, at the same time, it's like, just kind of that thing. Yeah. Yeah, generation.

Siobhan: 1:08:16

Yeah. There's like a part of me that's always like, what if? And I bet it's not it? Then I realized that it's not my What if it's everybody's else's whatever. Because I've noticed since I was young, I love that. Yeah. And then I'll catch myself being like, I never like even. I remember being like, 14 and being like, I'm never having kids. I

Ana: 1:08:35

always wanted like, one and just one and done. Yeah. But, um, I, but when it became because I always thought that I had outgrown it. You know, after I got into high school, and it went away. And then throughout college, I had nothing, right. So I thought, Okay, well, one day I can, and then 30 to hit and the big grandma's. And it was like, oh,

Siobhan: 1:09:01

and that's going to really shake your whole fucking world. It did.

Ana: 1:09:07

It did. And you know, I'm 54 now so it's like, well, clearly, that ship has sailed.

Siobhan: 1:09:14

I don't know. Yes,

Ana: 1:09:16

it has. Yes, it has there. No, I really love travel. I really love taking naps. And just going out and seeing music, like you know, nine o'clock at night or something. Yeah, well, and

Siobhan: 1:09:29

now you perform music. When did you get into music? Like have you? Were you always a singer? Or did you not

Ana: 1:09:37

know I don't consider myself a singer now.

Siobhan: 1:09:40

I am pretty sure I've seen you on stage singing very well quite a few times. But

Ana: 1:09:45

well, thank you, but I very much consider myself learning. And for me getting into it was conquering a fear. Yeah. And that's all it was conquering a fear like I always thought like My first dream when I was a kid was to be a triple threat, triple threat on Broadway, acting, dancing. You know, I grew up dancing, and singing. But I know that I'm not phenomenal at it. I know that I'm not great at it. And at 54 I know that I don't give a shit. I'm doing it because it's fun. I'm doing it because it is. I'm competing with myself. I am learning which I'm a lifelong student. And I have a music partner who is totally supportive about that, you know? Yeah. And he's learning as well. And so we're just like, Fuck everybody. Yeah, I love hearing it out.

Siobhan: 1:10:56

And but you do have like, like, I couldn't go up and sing because I am basically tone deaf. You know? But and I'm petrified of being onstage. I'm petrified to talking in front of more than 10 people really, because you have a podcast. I know this, but I've been dragged and faceless. Yeah. One of the reasons why there's no cameras still celebrate this room. But it's also I've had kind of like false starts to this, because I started it so many different times. And then, you know, like, this year, I was on a really good or last year, I guess I was on a really good roll. And I had what 22 episodes out or 20 episodes, and then losing Wilkie really just fucked me up. Like there's nothing else I can say about it. And it was really hard just because not a lot of people knew how close we were or how much time we spent together. That's true. We work together we you know, so it was an I just like to keep my ship private. Because I like to keep everybody's else's energy out of it until I know what it is.

Ana: 1:11:58

That's actually very smart. Yeah, because it's really saving a lot of your, your ship for you. Yep. And

Siobhan: 1:12:07

he was okay with it. I mean, he was getting towards like, right before he died, he was getting a little more like, saying things like work and stuff where I would just look at him and be like, we have like, we've talked about this. And I'm a bartender, you know, like, having a guy that I work with, and I'm sleeping with sitting at my bar makes things a little awkward for other people. And we're bartender, so everybody wants to weigh in on stuff. And like, talk about it and talk about us and talk about it to people. And it's weird thing when you're because you are kind of on stage as well. Everybody

Ana: 1:12:39

thinks that your shit is their business. Yes. Because they're giving you tips. Yeah. So they think that you are like, they're at their disposal.

Siobhan: 1:12:48

Yeah. And they share so much with you that yeah, they think that they know everything about you. Where it's like, we hardly ever talked about me. Yeah. Like,

Ana: 1:12:58

I was a bartender for three months. And that's that's very much how it was. I listened. Yeah. And I'm a good listener. So it's, and I love that. Yeah, but um, yeah, I can imagine. Yeah,

Siobhan: 1:13:09

so like, you know, I was on a good roll. And then we had so many things that we were going to work on together. That was kind of building my confidence for some of this stuff. And then I just kind of, I don't know what just I needed to take that time to grieve and go to therapy and all that. But it's part of what like, and then getting back into it has been like, Okay, I need to not do something that he would have been so excited about too. Well, right. I was just gonna say that. Yeah. Get into it. And

Ana: 1:13:37

how long has it been since he passed away?

Siobhan: 1:13:41

Eight months? greatly. Eight months? August, September, October, November, December? Almost 10 I guess right. May 4 is when I found him. He died on May 3. Which is Star Wars Day. No. May 4? Yeah. And he was such a fucking Star Wars and word. Oh, yeah. The amount of times we went to bed watching Star Wars is like fucking ridiculous. He's such a nerd.

Ana: 1:14:06

loves Star Wars or Empire Strikes Back because that splits a lot of people. Oh, Star Wars. Really? Okay.

Siobhan: 1:14:14

Yeah. Like the old like that. Oh,

Ana: 1:14:17

what is that? The fourth episode The fourth? Because 123 is that bullshit?

Siobhan: 1:14:26

Oh, yeah. Yeah, not the new stuff. Yeah, five,

Ana: 1:14:29

six, like like Yoda. Jennex. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was super tragic. Yeah, it was.

Siobhan: 1:14:38

Thank you. Yeah. And then it was hard just because I didn't know what to do with it. I still don't really know what to do with it. Like, because it's hard to so many people will come talk to me about how much they miss him and how like, and I want to hear it but it also doesn't feel right for me to be like, I mean, I often say like, Yeah, I miss him too, but I don't know. It's just

Ana: 1:14:58

wasn't out there with you too. So you can't really show the extent of the effect that their words have on you.

Siobhan: 1:15:05

Yeah. And I also, like, want to be there for other people. Sure. It was like, I've so many people that were really like, or that had been close to him like years before and, you know, have known him much longer than I did. Were like, never even asked me how I was doing. And never like, kind of even acknowledged some of the things like I didn't meet most of his really his, like family. And so I was telling them what happened. And then I've checked in with them kind of here and there, but like, I've also kind of kept my distance because it's weird. And it's yeah, like, I wasn't friends with you. So like,

Ana: 1:15:43

but that's also like, a very strange spot to be in.

Siobhan: 1:15:46

Yeah, especially. This is a really small island. And really, it is a place that is what

Ana: 1:15:50

was he born and raised here. Oh, yeah. So it's got a lot of history or a lot of connection. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:15:56

And he was a bartender forever and a doorman and dagger. Yeah, like 13. That's why his picture was seen the candles. Yep. Yes. His picture is all over that place. Oh, really? Yeah.

Ana: 1:16:11

I'm only noticed the candle at No, that's not true. I noticed the picture and I think I know there's a candle at

Siobhan: 1:16:18

Wally's. Oh, is there? Good. So, we have a candle at Benton. There's one at heart and dagger. I'm pretty sure maybe thinking of Benton. I'm pretty sure there's one at 13 but when he died, Tim queen and someone else made stickers of him, and they gave them out. And so there's stickers of him all over 13. And now that you tell you you'll notice them? Yes. Because they're like up in the back up on the metal post. Is that that same picture where he's no, it's the one where he's in a red suit looking over his shoulder.

Ana: 1:16:50

I don't think I've seen that. I've seen only the one where he's got fists up. Yeah, something. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:16:54

Yeah, that one. That one's there too. But a lot of them are in him in his red suit. Yeah. And I've only

Ana: 1:16:59

talked to him like a few times. But then he was also maybe three times tops. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:17:05

But he was part of hoods slam in Oakland because he was a semi pro wrestler. Oh, really? Yeah. And then he got hurt. Yeah. Oh, so he's, like, big into like the whole like, he was no one just Alameda especially. But Oakland too. Yeah. And he was like, he was a streamer. So he was a twitch guy. And he played? Yeah.

Ana: 1:17:26

Girl, I'm older than you.

Siobhan: 1:17:29

It's a streaming platform where people will go like, Ben Flanagan is on it for his music. Okay, like so people will stream different things that they do. And he was a gamer so he played what was his big game? Resident now? Oh my god. Maybe I have epilepsy. You wish you could blame it on that? You don't do that. Right. There's a zombie movie and it's already a video game. I'm not gonna remember the walking dead. No, it's not walking dead. It's like, I don't do video games. Because the too many bring it around to that. Yes, actually. Oh, yeah. Can you not go to like, like haunted houses and things like that, like, lights?

Ana: 1:18:19

strobe lights do affect me, but not as much as other Olympics. I tend to be very careful with it. I don't I don't like video games. And so it's not a problem for me. Yeah. But like at concerts and stuff where they're doing, you know, crazy light shows create like crazy lights. I pretty much hide my eyes. Wow. Yeah. Because it's, it's uncomfortable in an emotional way.

Siobhan: 1:18:45

It's like the fear of it. Yes. Yes.

Ana: 1:18:48

But you know, they they did an EEG and when they do an EEG for epilepsy, they do it. They make you stay awake for like, 24 hours or something before you do it. Oh, wow. Yeah. So that you'll fall asleep when you're there. And that's how I know that I have them in my sleep. And then they also do the strobe lights. Like they'll do them randomly or they'll do them. Do that? Yeah, they'll do like counts of it. Okay, like a pattern or something? Yes. I don't know if they do them randomly or not. But I feel like I remember the pattern and that's it. But yeah, I had I had minimal seizures with that. But I did have seizures. It was in my sleep that I had them. And oftentimes I can notice when I've had one in my sleep because I've I feel like I've bitten my tongue. I

Siobhan: 1:19:43

was just gonna ask if you know you have them like in the morning like you wake up and if it wasn't for your tongue, do you think you would notice them? No, no, no. That's gonna be fucking scary too. It is scary.

Ana: 1:19:54

And people don't know that so much or oftentimes they don't believe But right I have crazy dream life which sometimes I think that that's related there's a lot like spiritually that I believe in with epileptics, and but that's my view. All right. I have not a lot of people but you know I have a very active I can predict future. Sometimes I can definitely predict illness in people or there's something wrong with their

Siobhan: 1:20:35

attitudes.

Ana: 1:20:37

Well, that doesn't take that takes listening to some bullshit. No with I have predicted cancer, a lot of pregnancies. I mean, heart problems. Just colds, but colds are easy. I mean, it's stupid. But yeah, shit like that. I did predict the Malaysia airplane crash. The one where the airplane fell out of the sky. And they never found the airplane yet. And everybody died. I dreamt that about a week before. Wow. Yeah. Creepy. Super creepy.

Siobhan: 1:21:21

I get that though. Because you're Yeah. Because well, I mean, I also am spiritual. So that was why I kind of get it is like gives you're tapping into different frequencies.

Ana: 1:21:30

Yeah. Yes. different energies, different realities, different planes. I don't know how to explain it. But yeah, and it's not something I tell a lot of people because people look at you like you're crazy. I mean, not only do you tell them that you have epilepsy and they can't tell cuz you're not wearing a helmet.

Siobhan: 1:21:51

You really gotta get you a helmet. We really,

Ana: 1:21:54

you know, so long. So, come on Jameson. And some roller skates although I do have roller skates. I don't know where that came from. But yeah, I mean, there's there's a lot of evidence of maybe not evidence but a lot of writing on creativity and epilepsy. And, you know, epilepsy used to be regarded as like a you're possessed by the devil or something. Back in the day. And

Siobhan: 1:22:38

probably because of those reasons. Like they they knew things that they technically shouldn't have known. And that makes people weirded out anyways. Yeah, maybe. And then on top of that, they would go into those fits. Yeah. Options.

Ana: 1:22:49

Yeah. And actually the do call it fits like in the United Nation. Oh, really? No nation. Do they still call it that? Yeah,

Unknown: 1:22:56

the UN will be your Europe. Let's just say Europe.

Ana: 1:23:00

They call it on the island. Yeah, they call it fits. Which is kind of a bad connotation here, which is

Siobhan: 1:23:10

interesting. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because here it has kind of a seizure. Yeah. But here when you say someone's gonna fit, it's doesn't it's derogatory. Yeah.

Ana: 1:23:20

Which is stupid. I don't know where that I mean, is there like a timezone where?

Siobhan: 1:23:27

Once you cross the international

Ana: 1:23:31

window, we're like, okay, you no longer say fits? Yeah,

Siobhan: 1:23:34

they're like, hand out a little thing on the plane. Your new language for this? Can I get you another drink?

Ana: 1:23:40

Yes, please. And I need to pee and get a cigarette. All

Siobhan: 1:23:43

right. Let's pause this. After our drink and smoke break, to play with some ideas. Yes, record them. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Super fun. We have to as soon as I get back, we'll do all of that. I'm gone. I come back into May. Right. I come back. Yeah, come back in the middle of May. And then I may sit make sure my sound is good. Hello. That sounds good. Yes. Oh, yes. I come back at the end of it, or the third week in May. And then I'm taking it back from that, then we're gonna go hardcore in our stuff.

Ana: 1:24:23

Yeah, I mean, we can just like, hash it out and see what we Yes.

Siobhan: 1:24:27

Because also by then I will be done with school. Like right now. I'm remote like 80% of the time. Nice. Yeah, I'm only gonna go in one day a week or when there's a couple things that are events for students. And then the rest of the time I'll work here. So yeah, so it gives me a little more breathing room. I'll get to twice as much work done. I'll be happier. Yeah, pictures don't connect with the students. No, no, I

Ana: 1:24:53

just were excited about it. In the beginning. I remember. I wasn't

Siobhan: 1:24:56

I was super excited about it. And I was really like excited to make a difference and to be there, but it like hurts my feelings when they don't show up. And I've been working in like the regular world so much that like when you have expectations of people, most of the time it's work. So you know, you are people meet their expectations, or at least you know, get their deadline done. And here, it's like, they just don't seem like they care. And they all like seem like they're just half assing it but they want everyone else to do it for them. And it's nothing's their fault. And all of them are special and need, everything has to be specially for them. And like, it's all excuses. And I'm just like,

Ana: 1:25:30

how does it hurt your feelings? I'm interested to know where that I

Siobhan: 1:25:34

don't know if it gets hurt my feelings is the wrong thing. It makes me sad. Like, because here they are like they have all this opportunity there. You know, a lot of them are here in this country. Like they work so hard to get here. And now. They're just like, we're and I'm like, what, but like, are they want to do stuff and they come to me, and they're so excited. And then I put a bunch of work into it. And then I'm like, Hey, so where are we meeting? Are we doing this? And then they just don't show up? Oh, irritating? And I'm like, that's a lack of respect. Yeah. And I'm like, This is what you wanted to do. Like, I'm excited for you. Right? And I want to help you. But if you don't want to come like that, I don't give a fuck like, but don't waste my time. And don't like, I don't know, it's just a weird,

Ana: 1:26:14

how old are they? Like,

Siobhan: 1:26:16

a lot of them are graduate students. So they're older, they're in their mid 20s. Most of them are over 21. I have a couple of young students, but most of them are graduate students. That's

Ana: 1:26:25

weird for graduate students, because they have chosen to be there that are beyond the whole my parents expectations that I go to college, right, get just a degree they've already chosen to go further in it.

Siobhan: 1:26:36

Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, like, aren't you like, excited to do this? Like, we're not even excited? But like, if you're gonna do it, don't you want to do it at least decently? I'm not even saying find the purpose. Yeah. Yeah, like, and if you don't want to do it, that's fine. But don't then think that I should fix it for you because you didn't want to do it or that you should have special treatment because you're who you you know, your mom told you you're special. Like, I just makes me sad. And then also, like, a couple of the boys have been super rude. And like telling me that I don't know things. But like, I've been event planning for 20 something years, and I had a student telling me like, this isn't how events are put together. And I was like, So tell me, how do you do this?

Ana: 1:27:15

So tell me how you came to be in the generation of mansplaining.

Siobhan: 1:27:19

Right? Like, I was just like, and he was getting mad at me like angry, you know, and like, the energy he had was just like, terrible. And I was just like, why would I ever want to spend time with students like this? Yeah. Like, and I was like, Yeah, and I was just like, I Yeah, it's not, it's not filling me up. And I just was like, Yeah, I don't want to do this. It makes me sad. And I don't want to be I don't want to spend any more time in something that does not bring me at least some joy.

Ana: 1:27:44

Absolutely. Amen. Yeah. Like, I

Siobhan: 1:27:47

just, my life is too short for that. And I'm not gonna do absolutely. So like, and I don't need to like financially, it's great, you know, in the benefits are amazing. So like to walk away from that part feels scary, for some reason, even though it's only been six months. But to know, like, I'll be happier. And I can make more money other ways. And I have plenty of opportunities coming in that it's like, I can just take that leap to, I'm still in that space in my life where like I, you know, not rich, but I'm comfortable. And I have that I can still take those opportunities to be like, okay, yeah, like, I'm going to put more time into this. I'm going to put more time into building my own career. The tours, do more of those. You know, it's

Ana: 1:28:26

super exciting. Yeah, not a lot of people see that so young, you know, and I know that we're not super young. Right. But it's, it's refreshing to hear people say, you know, I want to lead with my passion. And not just do a fallback, you know, a fallback career. Yeah. Because once you do start doing to fall back, that's where you're, you're leaning on it. Right. You know,

Siobhan: 1:28:53

yeah. Oh, God, I totally hear that. I get it. Like I get why people stay in the comfort because it feels safe. And it doesn't you know, in the unknown is scary. But I'd rather have the unknown than the monotony and to be half assing it and miserable every day. I don't want to do it. Like, I just the

Ana: 1:29:13

part that scares me about that is and I've considered that too. But the stability of a paycheck. Yeah. And the stability of health insurance, because, you know, I've got some pretty deep health concerns. And

Siobhan: 1:29:27

so, yeah.

Ana: 1:29:29

So have you. I'm sure that health insurance is like at the top of your it

Siobhan: 1:29:37

actually isn't really it should be and in this instance, I have kept it in there because knowing that I've had this great health insurance was like a warm blanket. I had been still carrying my disability insurance, so I still had it in case I need it, but I haven't used it. I've been very anti doctor for the last few years. And I don't want to be it's just that you Looking over all the stuff that I've been through, sorry, scared dog up to now and as long as he doesn't start thinking he's on the podcast we should be okay. So cute nose, eyebrows are everything. They're everything. And he's lucky he's cute because he's been a huge pain in the pool. I love you sturdy.

Ana: 1:30:27

Okay, maybe we should stop looking at I know.

Siobhan: 1:30:31

But I haven't I've been so very anti doctor and very anti, like Western medicine like I've been going like, I'll just, you know, scrape the money together to go get an acupuncture or massage or we're not looking at now. Yeah, that's, but with this with my change. Yes. One of my other jobs. Because I work. I work two different positions for them. Oh, yeah. But because one of them I'm contractor for but since I'm still in that family, the owner was like, we can help give you insurance here if you need it. So if I leave one, I can actually go on the insurance for the other. That's fortunate. Yeah. It's like, you know, I ended up paying more it's like a less good level of maturity. Yeah, but it's still insurance. So yeah, I'll do that. That way. I have that and just trying to be a responsible adult.

Ana: 1:31:23

But live happily. But yeah, still,

Siobhan: 1:31:25

yeah, it's still not when I moved out to California and made myself two promises. One, I wouldn't put money in the pockets of someone that didn't do good in the world. And two, I wouldn't stay in anything that didn't make me happy.

Ana: 1:31:39

That's those are like crucial. Life lessons. Yeah,

Siobhan: 1:31:43

I my life is too short and too valuable to be miserable. Like, I deal with too many other things that I can't control being miserable. And so anything else? If it does not, like even with people now, like, if you don't bring something to my life, if all you're doing was taking then I wish you all the luck, but I'm not going to put effort into that. Right? I'm just finally find me my boundaries and standards.

Ana: 1:32:06

So inspiring. And this, you know, it's like, I look around the room, and you've already made a bunch of changes. Yeah, for your podcast to turn into video. Yeah. Which is super exciting. I'm super

Siobhan: 1:32:17

scared to do it. But I will. Why are you super scared. I just don't like I hate my picture being taken. So to think about being on a video all the time, feels very just, it's the next level of uncomfortable. Yeah, and it's another level of exposure. It makes me more recognizable. It makes me You know, I get nervous when people even now I was just talking about this with Steve the other night about how being a bartender when you're out people will be

Ana: 1:32:40

I was just gonna say that to you. It's like having a conversation with you out in public is it's a little challenging, because people recognize you. And as a bartender, you're everybody's best friend. Right? It's the same with Sandy. Yeah, if we want to have like, a good conversation, we have to go to her house, my house on the island, someplace where nobody knows her. And, you know, it's, it's too bad. But you know, that's, that's the life of a bartender. Right.

Siobhan: 1:33:08

And that's, you know, I'm starting to, you know, hopefully, at some point, I will, like, you know, be this will catch on and kind of be popular and so more people will listen, and more people get to know me, and that will happen more possibly. And we maybe not more people that kind of, you know, spread out and everything like that, but with all the content that I'm going to start putting out Yeah, like, eventually that'll happen. And that's the, my biggest drawback like, because it's not really about me, it's about kind of more than message. Like, I don't, you know, the thought of being famous is something that I've like, never No, thank you like being in a spot like, like, I barely like talking, I barely being recognized now. You know, and also because I want to make sure like, I remember that person and I like know them and I you know, you're sensitive. Yeah. And it's like trying to figure out how to be okay

Ana: 1:33:59

with rum and coke.

Siobhan: 1:34:02

That day, if you're Romina Coke, yeah. Like, the other night, I was at a party meeting some people and I was just like, I'm so terrible at names. I'm sorry. Like, I'm not gonna know your name. But like, I'll go get you a drink in five minutes. I'll remember that you're drinking red wine. Like you know, like crazy. But like they were kept asking you about me and like wanting to know more, especially because my trip was like, you're at work. Yeah. And they were kept like wanting to talk to me. And I was just like, Okay, now was it over about me?

Ana: 1:34:30

Can it be done now? Can we get back to you? And I get along that way? Because I that's what I like to do is I like to ask questions. Yeah. I don't really like to talk about so much myself. I love hearing about people's life and you know, what drives them and what you know, is important to them. Yeah. And what led them to that particular thing being important to them. The same you know, it's just kind of dig into that. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:34:58

Tell me everything. Tell

Ana: 1:34:59

me Everything everything, how

Siobhan: 1:35:01

do you operate? Even like to this conversation? I feel like I've talked a lot more than normally on podcasts. But it's also because we're gonna be doing this probably more and more. You mean

Ana: 1:35:13

with the episode with me? Yeah, that's because you're faced off with somebody who also likes to ask.

Siobhan: 1:35:19

But that's why now we'll have like our side project that we're talking about. And then we still have to talk about your big project that you're working on. So but yeah, it's like, oh, wait, my my still talking too much. Should I be putting it back more on you, you know, but it's also

Ana: 1:35:32

but this is what's good about your podcast is that it's always a conversation, right? But it's always like a two person roundtable. Yeah, you know,

Siobhan: 1:35:40

it hopefully will stay that way. Where, yeah, most episodes, I'm hoping to learn more about the other person, but also, like, when it's, you know, appropriate to share things and to talk about them. Like, I'm gonna put it out there, you know, yeah, that's kind of the whole purpose of it, is to be honest and raw and share the hard parts, because that's talk. That's the part that like, everyone gets tripped up on and everyone feels so alone in.

Ana: 1:36:02

Yeah, I'm

Siobhan: 1:36:03

really like you are, but the in the truth is really, you are alone in it. Yeah. Because no one else really gets your experience and your because they're all looking at it through their lens. But it's also like, we all go through the similar things. So we all understand each other way more than we think we do. And we're not really alone in it at all. That's so true. Like, it's such a, like,

Ana: 1:36:25

it's not a mindfuck in the sense that it's fucking beautiful, right? Because you can find something in common with, you know, the most random person, if you just give time to each other. You know, and like you say, there's not a lot of time in this life. No. And so when you get that with someone, one on one, even if it's just brief, like in a bar, just hey, you know, I meet lots of people in the bar, and I talk to them, and I don't necessarily invite them into my inner circle, right? But I love getting to know anybody, even if just like, you know, hey, what are you doing tonight? something stupid like that. But I am curious about what drove you to do a podcast then? Was it the idea of getting to know people? Or was it like an idea that you've had since a really long time, or both? Or what it's,

Siobhan: 1:37:19

it's come up like a lot over my life, like even I remember being like in high school, in talking, like being at my parents house and like listening to one of the first podcasts and being like, Oh, I could do this. Because I just love talking to people. I come from a place of curiosity. I come from a place of like, kind of wonder, and fascination with it. Like, I'm never trying to judge someone. I'm always just trying to figure out like, what makes them tick? How do you see it? Like? Yeah, like, how do you how do you see the world? Or like, where did you learn to look at the world like that?

Ana: 1:37:49

I feel like a lifelong student seeing and it's not necessarily one topic, because I've studied things from like, anatomy and physiology, landscape architecture, all these things. And I've actually gone in directions in those careers. And they're so scattershot, right, but what it always comes down to is curiosity. Yep. You know, why does this plant look better in this, you know, corner of, you know, half son half shade? Or why is this? Why did this person donate their body to science, and now we're sitting here like, looking at their innards. See,

Siobhan: 1:38:24

and you'll do the research, where, like, I'll find someone to talk to you. Because and I have been reflecting on this more to because Matt, and I just sat down and chatted and you know, looking at different things and talking to more and more people again, like in this setting, and just the self reflection. I think sometimes I don't like to go and do the research because I don't reading can be hard for me. I have terrible dyslexia. I've ADHD, I mean, not diagnosed. Well, I don't remember actually like, and I asked my mom the other day, and like so. Like, we found out I was dyslexic. Did they say anything else? Like, it wasn't like the third grade and she was just give me a reason for my chip memory. And she was like, I don't remember. Okay, well, then maybe its genetic. She doesn't remember. But like one of my friends, she. She has two kids and like her husband's, like, has terrible ADHD. And then she was diagnosed. And she's like, so she's in it. You know, she just went through it with one of her kids. And so she's like, oh, yeah, this this this. And she was just like, tapping me for like, we were talking about Wow. And I was saying like, Oh, I probably have it. And she's like, oh, yeah, well, because this this, and then she asked me a couple questions. And she was like, oh, yeah, that's it. And that's it. Yeah.

Ana: 1:39:32

Because when I was here last time, you had asked me if I was ADHD? And I said, No, I don't think so. Right. But ever since then I swear to God, I've been thinking, why did she ask me that? Well,

Siobhan: 1:39:45

because there's some things that you were talking about that I think are probably symptoms of your epilepsy that mirror ADHD and some of that memory stuff I was learning has to do with some of that. Or some of my memory stuff might have to do with that I have ADHD so I'm not I really tuning into everything because I'm tuning into, or I'm not tuning into the smaller things because I'm tuned into everything

Ana: 1:40:06

well, but that's why having a podcast is perfect for somebody like us, right? Because I don't have to stick to one subject. Yeah. You know, I did research for a podcast at Kaiser. And it was always about, you know, the medical industry, you know, all these different things, which I'm very interested in. But, um, you know, then I would want to go and talk to a painter, or you know, somebody who did, you know, event planning, or you know, a DJ or something like that I would want to talk to all these different people. And that's perfect for ADHD because it's like, goldfish brain. Yep, exactly. You know, and I'm guessing at that, yeah, I'm guessing that goldfish is something we had to clear up with Matt. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:40:52

Matthew, Maddie. Like a whole list going to we recorded the other day, and I asked him, if he listened to it. I said, you know, I need you to listen to it and sign off on it. And he said, Just just, you know, publish it. It's fine. He's like, I'm not worried about it. And I was like, okay, and he's like, but you're gonna release it as part one, right?

Ana: 1:41:13

My God, hilarious. Because he went home, and he researched about the shit that he said, and if it's if he thought that something was inaccurate, he's gonna want to come back and say, Oh, no, what I meant to say was, yeah, so

Siobhan: 1:41:30

and then we're talking about because he's gonna write my new intro. Oh, music. He was like, we can write it on the pod. And then we're talking about, he was asking me about kind of my musical taste. And he's like, oh, you know, you're more like, hip hop and rap and stuff than you are. And I'm like, Yeah, kind of I lean that way. I said, But you know, also here and there. And we're going over at Mike loss a terrible like, I get to sing you every word to a song. I won't because I'm terrible at singing. If I wouldn't know every word to the song. Yeah. And not be able to tell you these things.

Ana: 1:41:59

No, absolutely. I can. I have no idea who sings it? I have no idea what the actual lyrics are. I just make them up.

Siobhan: 1:42:06

We'll see. Most of the lyrics. Yeah.

Ana: 1:42:09

I have to listen to a song multiple, multiple, multiple times to understand what the lyrics are.

Siobhan: 1:42:15

But I Yeah, but I'll have no idea what the name of the song is. or hissing?

Ana: 1:42:20

Or what year it was written, blah, blah, blah. He knows all of that. Oh, yeah. It's the weirdest thing. Yeah. It's like, oh, you know, this was the faces back in 1972. And blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I've learned so much about music through him. And Tim, it's like, I had people that I never knew existed artists that I didn't know, now, all of a sudden, I start listening to them. And I'm like, Holy shit, this is great. You know, I mean, I'm around all these musicians now. Matt, Tim Jordan. Countless musicians. And they're always telling me these people. And then of course, I have to go back and go, who I remember. You know what? I have to Google it or something. And, and, but whatever. It's fun. Again, lifelong student. Yeah. Learning.

Siobhan: 1:43:05

Yeah. So we're talking. Yeah, it was so much fun. But speaking of new projects, yes. Let's talk about your new project. Okay. Because it's very exciting. I will soon be on it.

Ana: 1:43:16

You will? Yes, you will. You're gonna make something that I don't want to reveal to the world. Yes.

Siobhan: 1:43:20

No, we're gonna keep that for years. We are we are because I do have almost all the ingredients in my house. So when I get back, we can do that. Shavon

Ana: 1:43:28

will be cooking for us. Yes.

Siobhan: 1:43:33

But so yeah, why will I be cooking for you? Because

Ana: 1:43:38

I focus on it's called tradition cafe. And I focus on people who want to either dive into their cultural heritage, whether they it's kind of geared toward Americans, because we're supposedly the melting pot. You know, that's always what said. So I'm curious about people's backgrounds, even if they're not curious about it. I want to know, so I'm going to want to know why they're not curious why they are, you know, where they're from, what are the customs, I like traditions and customs. And it Whether it's cooking or dance, or music or whatever, or we recently filmed, which you were in an episode of just a background character now that you come in and you talk, but it was international cocktails, and it was great because it was Portuguese. Scotland. Ireland, Mexico. No, not Ireland. Mexico, Dominican Republic. Okay, so as far Oh, England,

Siobhan: 1:44:41

not Scott. Not Ireland, Scotland. Yes. I mean. There we

Ana: 1:44:49

go. Okay, so wait, I'm gonna go in there. We're sitting. Cecilia was Scotland. Paul was Portuguese EULA. Under Mexico, my mic, England, and Rachel, Dominican Republic and me as well. And you, you were gracious enough to be the bartender. Everything was amazing and perfectly balanced. It was so great, so fun. And I'm having a really hard time, like coming down to the editing part because there's so much good conversation going on. But um, yeah, so I'm just curious about everybody's cultural backgrounds and traditions and stuff like that. So it's really super fun. I mean, it plays into that whole lifelong student, I've always been interested in multicultural things. Because where I grew up in South Dakota, we didn't have anybody of our own culture, Dominican. And so we just built this family of randoms, right? Random immigrants. And so we would have dinners or like Christmas buffets with there would be there was a Chinese couple who would bring the doctor who was he was the cook in the family. And so he would do all the cooking for that. And then there was an Indian family, and there was, you know, Pakistani, and there was Mexican. And there was, I mean, it was all these really beautiful mixes, right. And so and then my mom is Dominican, but she also likes to cook Greek and Italian and French. And, you know, all they say, and Korean, and all these things. And so, our, I like to say that our our buffet tables look like a relief map of the world. It was like a cultural or a culinary relief map of the world, it was really great.

Siobhan: 1:46:47

It's a great experience to have to to be able to experience all those little all those cultures in your home and to be experiencing all that food. And yeah,

Ana: 1:46:55

yeah, I mean, you know, in South Dakota, we didn't have the people that we met and bonded with were the immigrants, right? Because they were in the same boat as we were.

Siobhan: 1:47:09

Oops, see, that one's not right in there.

Ana: 1:47:12

At it, they, they were in the same situation, as we were not finding, you know, their own culture and stuff. So we had to make shift one. But yeah, so that's just turned into this passion that I didn't even realize was a passion, right? Until I got, you know, older and like we were talking about, you start to like, really lean on what your passions are. And kind of fill your life up with these things that are important and more soul fulfilling, right? Yeah, so this is it's a passion project, you know, and I'm not going to be able to quit my day job. But it's fine, because I have so much drive with this one. Right. that the thing is, though, is that is this is totally like, the, the videos right now are totally beta. Yeah, but that's, I'm having to figure it out from the ground up editing, you know, all that stuff. Um,

Siobhan: 1:48:12

yeah. It's like, my, the podcast here, like, you're so kind of impressed with me doing this. I know. But it's the same thing. Like I'm piecing this together and figuring it out. And like, had, like we talked about earlier had have had a bunch of false starts. And like, you know, the insecurity of it, and I'm not really sure what I'm doing. And I've had, you know, I had eight episodes already recorded, and I erased them all. Oh, I pressed the wrong button, and I formulated the wrong thing and lost eight weeks of work. Yeah, and at that point, I was like, I'm gonna quit. That's like a sign that I shouldn't do this anymore. Like, but then I'm like, those conversations keep coming up in my head. I'm like, Alright, now now I want to go back and re talk to those people. Oh, good. You know, and hopefully, I will get to talk to most of them again. And, you know, the episodes that have been out people like you, and other people have given me such great feedback on them, and they're really enjoying them. So it's like, alright, well piecing it together. And, you know, doing it in my spare bedroom is working. Yeah, so I'm gonna keep doing it. And I'll slowly keep getting better, because it's like, just fucking do it. Yeah,

Ana: 1:49:16

totally. I mean, it's funny because we're talking about doing this extra project of ours, and I have no problem being in front of the camera, right? Because I'm waiting

Siobhan: 1:49:24

to get up and singing. Well, yeah, but that's

Ana: 1:49:27

new for me. I mean, I was always this kind of, like, shy and not shy, but more low self esteem among being in front of people. Which, when I think back to my childhood, this is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be like in theater and I wanted to be all this stuff, but I remember I was trying to do theatre and choreography and stuff in my undergrad. And my dad said he wouldn't pay for college. If I did anything like that I had to go into the sciences or or architect Sure, or something like that. So I'm happy to be coming back to that.

Siobhan: 1:50:06

Yeah. It's funny that you say that makes me think about when I was a kid. I was in like a neighborhood theater group and I loved it. And like, you know, couldn't sing. But I was like, I can not be a singer. I could be an actor. Maybe like, I could be good at other things. And I love to dance. But I was like, didn't know

Ana: 1:50:23

that. Oh, we need to talk. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:50:27

You know what, it's the worst part about dancing is I would like to take a dance class but telling you that makes me scared because then you're gonna

Ana: 1:50:36

have to hear what kind of music you're on. Well,

Siobhan: 1:50:38

Raul, and I had like, joked about waiting. Well, either a swing or like, there was a couple that did this, like ballroom dance that we like, I'd sent him and I was like, This is funny. We could do this. I used to do that. And I know. Oh, girl. Because my coordination now. I have rhythm. But my coordination is still really off from my neck injury. Yeah. And so I don't, I get frustrated because I can't get my body to do what I want it to do still. And so I it's just because I also suck at it. I don't want to do it.

Ana: 1:51:11

I bet you don't suck.

Siobhan: 1:51:12

I bet you I do. But I have rhythm. And I promised so if I work at it, I wouldn't suck. Right? But I don't like to do homework and not doing what

Ana: 1:51:22

I do. And I mean, I

Siobhan: 1:51:23

love being organized. I like doing some research. But when I have to do some when I'm not good at something, it's that it's the the first fucking time like fear. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, it's a fear of sucking and looking and being embarrassed because I'm insecure about not being good at something.

Ana: 1:51:37

Well, I mean, I have all kinds of advice for that. Because I used to work in a ballroom and I used to teach bachata, and metta and gay. It's all about who the teacher is. And going with buddies is great. If you go with someone, I don't know, if you want to be a leader or a follower. I'm terrible at

Siobhan: 1:51:56

getting letting someone lead to, like, every day that I dance with, like, when, especially when they know how to do leader is like, you gotta let me lead on like, I don't know how to.

Ana: 1:52:06

Yeah, that's, that's a control thing. Yeah. But it's also there's, you know, that's the misconception about dance is that the follower has to just give up all control. And it's not true. Because let's say your leader gets off time. As a follower, you have a lot of power to get them back on time. And just make it look like you haven't done that. You know,

Siobhan: 1:52:32

it's manipulation will be good.

Ana: 1:52:36

Maybe it is a little bit. I didn't think about it that way. I think it's more like and then there's a lot of responsibility, put on the follower, to make it very pretty, right. But a good leader can do that, too. A good leader can make it look good as well. So we have a lot to talk about. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:52:55

Oh, yeah. I took a ballet class just. And it was terrible. I was like, my feet are like, I need to do it to get my feet stronger. It's a good way to get your feet stronger. Like my feet kept cramping during it and like, oh, yeah, I mean, you're 40 What? 40 I'll be 44 next month.

Ana: 1:53:15

Yeah, I mean, you know, when 40 rolls around, that's it's almost like a door shuts and it's suddenly all this body shit. Oh,

Siobhan: 1:53:22

well, I also was in two different car accidents. One of my feet have been destroyed. destroyed, but like,

Ana: 1:53:30

but I think you're right. I think that, you know, dance or like a slow dance would be good for you. And definitely don't wear high heels. on them,

Siobhan: 1:53:40

though. Oh, God, I do too. I wore something the other day and like then my quads hurt the whole next day.

Ana: 1:53:47

Were you in a bar, we had to squat over a toilet. And I

Siobhan: 1:53:52

I actually took a bunch of pictures. My friend Eric just got married to this beautiful woman. And so they got married and like a, you know, small ceremony and so I did all their photos. So I was like squatting in my heels, you know, to get like the angles and yeah, like, next morning, I got up and I was like, Oh, I haven't squatted in heels in my two years. Wow. Wow. This begs all kinds of questions. Well, you'll Danzig glass. Oh, we can I have tickets for that. Like we talked about this one one night. And then the girl that was the instructor kind of was like, why are you here? Oh, no, she didn't mean it in a bad way. And I was kind of Superstone. So I was probably more insecure than regular. But because she was telling she she caught me moving away. And because she had said to us at the beginning of a class that she had a shoulder injury. And then when I was moving, she was like, Oh, do you have a shoulder injury too? And I was like, yes. So she's like, What do you do? And so I was like, oh, you know, and I explained my brokenness. And she was like, oh, okay, so like, are you okay to be here? I'm like, Oh yeah, it's fine. It's just there's some things I can't do. And then we were like she was teaching us about how you like grabbed the pole and you turn and on one side, you know, all right. And then on the other side, like I wouldn't like I wouldn't you know, I wouldn't give all my weight into the grip. And she's like, No, you just have to really let it go. And I was like, Yeah, I can't do that. And she was like, what? And I was like, I'm just I don't have the faith in my hand to like, I can't feel my grip enough to know that it has it. So I just will. And she was just like, Okay, well, you can just do the other side. And again, I'm just you know, like, also like, I'm gonna push my body a little bit but she was just like, Are you sure you should be doing? What would your stripper name be? Eileen? You like leaned over the table? You are so excited.

Ana: 1:56:07

Eileen. Oh, my God. corny. That's so corny. That is perfect. We should

Siobhan: 1:56:22

tell everyone to look out for tradition cafe. It is coming. It is in production.

Ana: 1:56:27

It is tradition. cafe.com. Yes. That will be on

Siobhan: 1:56:30

the socials. We'll link it in. I'll be on it soon. Yes, then you'll definitely see me on video.

Ana: 1:56:35

Yeah, actually, yes, we we did the, you know, the International cocktails. Like I said, we're also going to be on one and I have yet to figure out what to call it because I'm like, I'm like a title. My

Siobhan: 1:56:46

episode. Yes. Oh, I think it'll come in there. Because I have happened. We're gonna have to Yeah, well, we'll talk about that off the mics. But I had, I'm gonna have a gift for you. So I love that you thought, oh, yeah, I have I haven't stopped thinking about it. And well, here, we'll tease it. I'm one of the people that if not very connected to my Yes, my cultures and my kind of home origin. And it's been coming up more and more since we talked about it. Yes. Interesting to me. Well, my interest in it and the like, more and more people have been asking me questions that I don't have the answers to that I should. And then some of that relates back to how what we've talked about a little bit about that. So we'll go into a full dive on that on your Yeah,

Ana: 1:57:34

because I remember when we when I first asked you to be on it. The reason was is that you said you had no interest in it. Right? So I was like, Okay, now I gotta talk to you. Yeah.

Siobhan: 1:57:45

And so we'll get into that. Yeah. All right. I guess we will see you in the cafe. Yes. See you in the camera right. All right, y'all thanks for joining on it and I today go look for her on all her socials follow and like us and get out there and find your joy today. I love you. Love you. Bye bye.