The Sound of Resilience with Tracie Reams

Tracie Reams, Siobhan’s very first guest, returns to Ducking Realitea for a raw, heartfelt catch-up on life’s twists and turns. After leaving her role as Clinical Director due to surgeries and health setbacks, Tracie found herself unexpectedly terminated, just a week before a crucial doctor’s appointment. As her own healing journey unfolded, she also stepped into the role of caregiver for her father, who’s now battling dementia after a series of falls.

Between managing disability, navigating pain management, and recovering from a recent TIA, Tracie has leaned even deeper into her greatest medicine: music. She shares how songwriting became both therapy and creative fire, and how performing again helps her stay connected to joy, even through uncertainty.

Siobhan and Tracie dive into the messy middle of it all, health, finances, relationships, non-monogamy, bisexuality, and the power of radical honesty. Through it all, Tracie remains grounded in gratitude for her community, her creativity, and the stubborn spark that keeps her singing when life gets loud.

Transcript

Siobhan: 0:00

Hey y'all, welcome to this week's episode of Ducking Realitea in the pond with me today, it is my OG original first guest. You were the first guest that I ever had. Wow, that's right, yeah. So that's from breathing and not being an asshole with Tracy and in the pond today with me is Tracy reams, hello. Welcome back, Tracy.

Tracie: 0:19

Thank you for having me, my friend, it's good to see you. It's good to see you, too.

Siobhan: 0:22

Beautiful place. Thank you. Yes, you were the original in my spare bedroom, and now we're actually in the studio.

Tracie: 0:30

Yes, I'm a little envious, because I kind of want to live in a place like this. I just I'm about $900 short well,

Siobhan: 0:39

and you have a lot going on in your world.

Tracie: 0:41

I do so much has changed since last we talked. I don't even, I think the last time I was getting ready to do I was headlining a show, yeah, because it was in October, and it was right before October of 2020, the Alameda, you know, the gay pride, gay pride that they do in October here. And I don't know why I struggled with that word. It was the pride part that I couldn't think of. And I was headlining a show there. In fact, my friend Brendan. You know Brendan? He took that poster and had it framed for me for a birthday present.

Siobhan: 1:17

Oh, that's super nice. Yeah. About a year ago, yeah, it was October 2020, the first time we sat down. And so we were like, still in covid, you were still doing respiratory stuff and teaching, and then life has give us an update now, three years later, or just about three years later, where, where, where are you now?

Tracie: 1:38

I'm currently not working. Oh, I I quit working at the hospital because I ended up becoming the Clinical Director at the place that I was working at that I'm not going to mention anymore, and so I did that for a couple years, and I really loved my job. But, you know, I have all these old injuries, even though they were being managed, and it was really starting to affect me again. I'd had a knee surgery and back surgery while I was working there, just because the wear and tear of all the walking and standing. And you know when you go to visit students at clinical sites, especially at Kaisers, your parking is about a mile away from where you can actually walk in, and then you get in there and you're walking everywhere, right? So I, you know, my back just decided, think you need to take break from doing that, because I'm going to cause you a lot of pain. That's pretty much what happened. And I asked if I could, you know, we have, I had a couple couple of the other instructors, because we were actually well staffed, never say fully staffed, because it's never a true statement anywhere. And I was told, No, you'd probably lose your job. Well, if you went out on a medical leave, if I step back from, yeah, just let, I said, Let the other two people go, because they're going and I could manage, manage myself. I said, my, my doctor's appointments in a month. You know, I'm just waiting. And then, like, No, you'd probably lose your job. She didn't, this is my direct supervisor. You didn't bother to ask anybody. She just said, No, you'd lose your job. Wow. Like, okay, so I'm being hurt on my job because of my job. You would

Siobhan: 3:25

think that they would be able to do something because it's a medical, like a medical,

Tracie: 3:29

right? But I didn't pursue it because I'm like, well, she's my direct supervisor, and if she's telling me I'm gonna lose my job, right? I can't afford to lose I love my job. So a week before my appointment, because I told her, I said, well, the odds are I'm probably going to go on disability. You know, I'm in a lot of pain. I'm barely making it here daily, and I might have to have surgery again. So if I go out on disability, I said they can't fire me. A week before my appointment, they let me go.

Siobhan: 4:02

What was their reason?

Tracie: 4:05

They came up with some stuff. Was just, there were some personality conflicts there, and it seems to be nobody else. They didn't have any issues with anybody else, just just with you. They were trying to get rid of me because somebody wanted my job, and that's exactly what happened, is they got rid of me. That person moved into my job, and eight months later she left. So I think it's kind of funny, and they have not replaced either her position or my position. Oh, wow. So now they're running even more thin Yeah, and it's their fault, so they lose their accreditation. That's on them. Wow. But yeah, I don't I miss the students. I do not miss the politics of working in education at all, because there is just, especially this place, all they cared about was the money. I. Um, I mean, they say they're for the students, but, yeah, it's more about, yeah, we're for the students because we don't want to lose that money, right? You know what? I mean? So they let anybody in, even though, if they shouldn't be there, and they would never let us fail anybody who should not. I mean, this is respiratory therapy, right? It's not why you want to pass somebody that you know is not a is not going to pass the boards, and What? What? What they fail to remember is it's the boards, people passing the boards, that keep your accreditation going, right? Because if you only have if your numbers are low on people passing the boards, your accreditation becomes questionable,

Siobhan: 5:41

right? And as it should, because if you're not teaching people in order for them to pass and do right, good health care and exactly, why are you putting these people through this program?

Tracie: 5:50

Exactly? And it wasn't that we couldn't teach them, a lot of them just, they just, they're in the wrong field, right? Or they're there for the wrong reasons. I literally had one guy said he was there because his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn't change his job.

Siobhan: 6:06

Oh, my god, yeah, that's the respiratory he didn't finish. Yeah, of course.

Tracie: 6:10

Not. Semester three he was gone, yeah? So he just quit. But which is the right thing to do? I'm just like, so that was the politics of that. And I worked with all women. Nothing against women. Obviously, I am one myself, but you know how women can be, and it was like working with middle schoolers. Sometimes it's like, whoever wasn't in the room is who they were. Catty again. Catty against and complaining about and they complained about me to Rita. They complained about Rita to me, I say her name, but that's okay. Yeah. So I was just like, in this stunned and is upset and is unprepared, as I was, especially since she had been really nice to me that day, like, overly nice plans about what I'm going to do this I'm going to go visit this I'll go visit this one. I'm going to visit, you know, all these oil just do it next week. Does Okay? Well, I could go, No, it's just plan up for next week. Like, all right, because she knew, she knew, yeah, and I didn't have my car because she picked me up from the shop where I was getting my oil changed, which was weird, because I'm like, I'm just gonna Uber No, I'll come get you. And I'm thinking, all right, feeling guilty, of course. And then about three o'clock, my day was ending. At 430 I got a knock on my door, hey, can you come? And it was the campus director and her, and I'm like, Okay. And I thought we were talking about, we're gonna talk about, we had visitors coming, you know, the next day, and now that's like, wow, I was so angry and hurt because I thought we were friends. And it's like, you could have at least, I understand it's your job, but you basically lied to me all day, right? You were going out of your way to be even extra nice exactly. You were gonna fire me at the end of the day. So I'm walking out with all my stuff, with no car, with no car, and I have to stand there and wait for an Uber

Siobhan: 8:07

and as angry and as shocked and as freaked out as I was when I walked out of that place, I felt like the weight of the world was immediately lifted, and I took the first deep breath I've been able to take in months. To me, I'm like, you know, what's funny is that was a sign I had a similar I got fired from one of my jobs. And I like, I mean, it wasn't I got fired suspended, kind of indefinitely, kind of thing. I had had, like a dust up with one of the managers, like, months before, or at least, like, six weeks before. And I, like, thought we'd squash it. I thought it was good, but he hadn't really talked to me, but we don't really interact that much. And then I went in, he was just like, you know, we're going in a different direction, and this and that. And I was like, this is from that, that, like, fight. And he was like, Oh no, no, I don't hold grudges. And I was like, and I was so, like, stunned, because I think I've only been fired one other time from, like, a festival I was working at, and I was just like, shocked. And he was just, you know, like, trying to be nice about it, but also just like, he and I don't vibe, we haven't. And I left, and I was like, really crushed at first, and then, like, I walked out of the building, and I was just like, yeah. Like, just exhaled in this way that I didn't even know I'd been holding my breath for

Tracie: 9:25

Exactly, and that's if that's like, Oh okay, yeah, I understand now, yeah, even though it was a crappy way to do it and shitty way, I can just say it was a shitty way to do it. And I don't, you know, I've talked to maybe through texting, two of them people, because one of them reached out and was like, I'm so sorry. It took them a month or two, but it was also holidays and stuff. See, I don't agree with what they did, the way they handle it. None of us knew that was happening. Everybody was shocked. I don't think the one. One person was shocked, but this person, I believe her, and she gave me a reference, and that's good offered, you know, if there's anything I can do so, but I haven't talked to any of them since, and that's okay. Yeah, I've blocked. You were there. I blocked every single one of them, really. I didn't block. I take that back. I unfollowed, unfriended. I don't really believe in blocking, yeah, unless it's an extreme reason, right, which we'll get into later.

Siobhan: 10:29

Oh, but now I'm interested. I mean, I'm always

Tracie: 10:34

so I have a lawsuit. Oh, we'll see what happens.

Siobhan: 10:37

I mean, good for you, because it is they knew you were like, the timing of it is really,

Tracie: 10:42

yeah, interesting. It's interesting though, that they're only going to go after, at least right now, they're going out to workman's comp, because they feel like that's the best avenue, because it was, even though, because I've said, how can it be? Because the injuries weren't necessarily, officially from them, I came in, they go, they exacerbated your condition.

Siobhan: 11:03

They did, and it's like they didn't make they could have made accommodations for you because of the fact that you are hurt and you is a well, you know what I mean? And by not making any accommodations for you and forcing you to stay out there, they're forcing you more wear and tear in your body, yeah, so, and then to fire you, knowing that you're probably going out for surgery and going out on disability, then they're just trying to save themselves the, yeah, that money, and that's,

Tracie: 11:28

I'm hoping that it cost them more, but we'll see. I just want it settled at this point, it's been almost a year. I've been on disability ever since, yeah, so I had my surgery in January,

Siobhan: 11:38

and how's your body feel? I mean, walking in here with you. I was like, how's this feeling? How's that feeling? Because you were, you know, you were walking slower than you used to,

Tracie: 11:47

part of that is just, yeah, it's, you know, when you have three back surgeries and five knee surgeries, I don't think even with physical therapy that I've been having, I'm ever gonna, I'm never gonna be 100% right? Could I do my job? Yeah, I could. I mean, I have to go back to bedside, but with everything else in my life, I'm looking for part time. But I'm a little freaked out because my disability is running out. I only have until like, the end of the month, if they extend it out, I can get like, maybe one more check, because you know how disability works, and never been on disability this long, I'd have been back to work a long time ago. If I had a job to go to, I would have forced myself, how's the job hunt going? Not great. It's hard. There's so many jobs out there, but the biggest problem is some of them are so far away. Oh yeah, Mountain View. And a lot of them, as I don't really want to work in places where former students are, and there's a lot of places like that, and that's just a pride thing on my end, but you might have to follow, might have to swallow that pride, but we'll see. I mean, I've applied what looks like a job at Alameda, but been there before. Okay, it's part time, it's nights, but I haven't heard anything, but it takes forever. Yeah, and I applied a couple places out in San Andrew, so nice. We'll see. You know, with everything going on with my dad right now, it's, I was just gonna say you've had another big life change since we saw you last. Yes, well, my dad finally made the decision last summer 2024 around May. He wanted to move to California. I think it was because his youngest sister passed away, and she was with her daughter. And I think it kind of hit home, you know, we have anybody else out here, what the decision was, but he wanted to, but of course, it had to happen like quick. We couldn't plan it. No, I want to be out of here by by July. So I did a lot of work. I was already planning on vacation, which was good, because then I could went out there in Maine. I'm like, let me get some things together here, talk to your manager, blah, blah, blah, and I knew that he was starting to develop dementia, because I could see it probably for the last year prior to that, talking about talking to people that aren't there, or seeing people sitting at the end of his bed, or conversations that just we never had. And I didn't know how I was going to handle it, right, like I don't want to force him, but I'm not moving back to Michigan, right? So even though all my family's back there, and my I feel safer as a human being here in California than I do anywhere else in the United States, and that's saying a lot, considering everything that's happening here in California even. But I have no desire to travel anywhere in the United States at the moment, so sad to hear. I'd rather go to Europe. Yeah. I mean, we are on the the list. Or, you know, it's crazy, that's a whole nother conversation, but it has a lot to do with my life, too. So anyway, he got we got him here. I got my moved down to a first floor apartment, and got him here in August, like the first week of August of 2024, and he was fine. You know, he had a walker. I could leave him alone. He could cook, you know, he could do all those things. We could go to the grocery store together. And then I had my Jan, January 15, I had my third back surgery. Two weeks later, he fell. And I don't know people who are not in the medical field, or people who may have had this experience probably know, when you have dementia and you fall it exacerbates it, and it really exacerbated his I mean, he was like, a totally different person.

Siobhan: 15:57

Is there like? And I don't, I know, I'm going to ask you, because you're in the medical field, but what is the science behind that? Like, is it just that your body, like, can't heal as much, and then it's like, too much energy is going to the healing that your brain starts? Or dementia? Yeah? Like, because

Tracie: 16:12

it could be a lot of things, you know, it gets missed a lot. I mean, memory hallucinations,

Siobhan: 16:19

but no, when someone falls, like, why when they fall? Why does it then exhaust? I don't, I really, is there, like, I think it's big. I think

Tracie: 16:27

it has a lot something to do with, I obviously don't know an exact answer, okay? And I don't think anybody does other than it is hard on an elderly person, it's hard on anybody when they fall, when they reach a certain age, right? But, you know, he's, he'll be 90 on August 17. So he was 88 when, or 18, just turned 88 right? When you are 89 I should say when he fell. And it's, it's, I don't, I don't really know, right? I'm sure it has a lot to do with the healing process and that it, because all the everything goes to where, right? It needs to go. We thought he broke his hip. Thank God he did it, because that probably, probably would not be with us if he had,

Siobhan: 17:13

yeah, it's wild. How many, like, they fall and break a hip and then they're just,

Tracie: 17:17

it's done, yeah? Because there's really Yeah, once you reach that age, just, you know, and he's got COPD, so he orders oxygen. He's also has heart issues, he has high blood pressure, he has diabetes. So, and that have, that's a lot of elderly patients, right, right? Have, I say patients elderly do that. But you know, I knew that we took him to the hospital the next day, because he couldn't get out of bed and there was nothing. So he came home and he was just kind of up and down. His mood was up and down. And we would be sitting in the living room and he'd start laughing, and I'm like, what we're watching football or something which he has no idea how football, none of it works anymore. He'll be like, what happened? What had happened to the game we just watched? And I was like,

Siobhan: 18:08

so he can't keep track, yeah,

Tracie: 18:09

and it was, he would fight with me. And I look back on it now, and I feel so guilty because it's like, I didn't know really what was happening. It was frustrating. But he's just laughing one day, and I go, what's so funny? He goes, Oh, tell me, you didn't see that. Like, well, I don't know, what did i What did you see? He's like, that fountain of juice that just came out of the floor, and was, you know, squirting at me. No, Dad, I didn't see that. Of course, you didn't, and then he would get mad at me, right? And I'm the only one around, so I'm the I'm the anger, yeah, person. I'm the one that he gets mad and I'm the one that he blames. I'm the one that I'm the punching bag. You know, I'm only using him for his money, and I don't care about him all that kind of stuff. That's his forethought. At least it was back then.

Siobhan: 19:02

Yeah, dementia does so many weird things to someone. It completely changes who

Tracie: 19:06

they are. It does, and I'm going to tell you, if you don't have money, yeah, good luck getting home care. You're not going to have it. I mean, we have Medicare and Medicaid, that's it. We don't have any he doesn't have any retirement. He only get Social Security, right, so that I don't have anything. I mean, I had to, when I lost my job, I had to take out what I had just so I can pay bills until disability quit, right? Or quit started, yeah. And thank God I had it, because I don't know where I'd be right now if I

Siobhan: 19:39

didn't. Yeah, and that's a scary thought, and that's, it's a place where a lot of Americans are,

Tracie: 19:43

well, I'm going to be there in a couple weeks, for sure. I have nothing coming in. So that's a whole nother situation, yeah, but, um, he, you know, I just, I tried to get in the system. I tried to find help. You. In. Oh, yeah, no, we don't take Medicaid, or we don't or and then, oh, you can get on a list for Alameda County, but then they're only allowed eight hours a day, so many days a week, so many hours a week. And I'm like, How does this help anybody?

Siobhan: 20:14

Right? It maybe gives you a chance to get

Tracie: 20:18

out of the house. But I couldn't work, I couldn't, I would not have any social life. Not that I'm saying my dad is less important. But everybody needs a place to escape to, right, right? Yeah, you need a little bit of balance, yeah. So I knew the only way that it was going to happen is if he ever had to go to the ER, because once you're in, that's a different story, right? In one night he one day, he was really agitated, was very hostile, the entire day, the entire night, and I was just like, I don't know what to do. I was angry, I was sad. I was, you know, everything you can think of, right? And then he was, we only had one bedroom, so he was in the room, and I was sleeping in the chair, which usually works for me anyway, and I heard him get up. It's four o'clock in the morning, and he's fully clothed with a jacket and hat on. I'm like, where are you going? Well, I'm leaving my dad. It's four o'clock in the morning. No, it's not like, Okay, well, how about we try to get some sleep. You haven't really slept. Neither one of us have been sleeping, because he's up and down all the time, right? And he goes, No, I am leaving. And I and I, we were like, in those little hallways, like the bedroom, bathroom, there's a little spot right here, and I'm like, in front of him, and I'm like, Dad, please just if you want to sit out here, that's fine, but you can't leave the apartment, because he would have any idea where he was going or how he would get back, right? And I just said, I put my hand on his shoulder, and I'm like, you know, hey, you know, why don't we? And apparently he saw that as something different, and he grabbed me by the throat, and he's like, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Oh my gosh. He's like, You better watch your sleep, because you may not wake up. And at that moment, when I finally got him, I was very not happy say the least. It took some anger to get him to back off, and he finally went and laid back down. But I went through the house. He had all these knives and stuff. I took all of them and I hid them from him, all the other knives I hid because I'm like, I don't know what he's gonna do, right? And the next morning, he had no memory of it. He had told me, like, once I finally got him to settle down, that I need to do something, because his mind's not right and he knows it. He goes, I can't live like this. So next morning, I'm like, oh my, go get something to eat. And he didn't really have an appetite. We went to what's that? Jim's right on Lincoln, and he barely touched his food. And I'm like, Are you all right? He goes, I'm in a lot of pain. His back was really hurting him, like, thinking, okay, maybe this is the moment. And I'm like, do you need to go get checked out? And he's like, yeah, probably should take me to the ER. I'm like, Okay, I just want you to understand, I don't know when you're gonna come home after this? I don't care right now. He goes, I don't even know where I'm at half the time when I wake up. Anyway, okay, so that's what happened, and that's how we got him in the system. I explained everything, and they did all the tests, they had neurology, and right? He basically what he has what they call vascular dementia. Okay, what's so? What it is is his carotids, which where all the blood to the brain goes, right one is like 70 to 80% blocked, and on the left, I think it's 80 to 90% blocked. So his risk of stroke or anything like that, and that leads directly to the brainstem, right, right? That's where all his damage is, and that's where balance and all that is located, which is why he was falling all the time and, and, you know? And they asked, what was he a drinker? I'm like, oh, yeah, he's an alcoholic. Not so much. He doesn't drink like that anymore because he can't, and he hasn't done that for years, but still. But all the smoking and everything, she goes, Okay, that makes more sense. Yeah, the effects of it are still, yeah. So that's kind of the official diagnosis. And they, you know, they could see his aggression, especially towards me. He really did not like me for a long time.

Siobhan: 24:42

It's weird how that happens too. Like they fixate on one person to kind of let all their anger towards I'm the only one around, right, right? Yeah, well, for you, yeah. I mean, it's but

Tracie: 24:52

even in general, yeah, it's usually the the one that does most of the caregiving, even even in other families, I've talked to other people and. It's the one that does the caregiving, is the one that is gets the wrath, yeah? And it's

Siobhan: 25:04

almost like because they're so angry, but they can't figure out why, because they don't really know what's going on. And they just know that this is their one constant. So, like, in my brain, it makes sense to me, like that that's the person that they would pick to be the meanest. Because you're always the meanest one meanest the ones you love, right? Right? And like, if you're the person that's constantly there they there's probably some part of their brain that's thinking that you are the cause of why they're in so much pain, or they're confused, or like you're doing something to them even though you're the only one taking care of them. But it is, like, such a mind fuck,

Tracie: 25:35

it is, and it's, I'm gonna tell you, it's been a long this has only been since February. By the end of February, he was in a facility, Alameda Health and Wellness, yeah, which is way better than it was when I used to work at the hospital. Because I was afraid when they first told me, I'm like, if anybody out there listening, it's, it's a it's a good place. They have really good workers there. Depends on which side you're on, and, you know, I'm very grateful My dad's a charmer. I mean, that's where I get everything. I get the charm. I get the, you know, all that flirtatious personality that I know, you know, I have, right? I get it from him. And that's how he is when he's when he first got there, you know. And on occasion, he is, but that's it's every you know, it's been getting worse. He's fallen in the last two months. He's probably fallen eight to 10 times because he's insisted upon standing up and doing everything himself when he doesn't really have the trunk strength or the leg strength anymore, right? And he tries to go the bathroom or tries to get out of bed. And so I finally, after using the word lawyer, threatened them that if they didn't get the sitter, that they promised me, right? And he gets hurt. The next person they talk to is my lawyer, right? Suddenly, we have a sitter, like, every day, every shift. Yeah, so he hasn't really fallen. He's hit his head, like, hit his eye and stuff, but because he went forward real fast, and

Siobhan: 27:13

poor guy, but he

Tracie: 27:16

he's not. I mean, everybody has noticed, like, within even without, with all these falls, he's just like worse, like, one day, I was showing him pictures, and because I had talked to one of my exes, her name was Bernadette, and I had written a song about her, me and her roommate. It's called no time for red wine. And I was just revisiting it, and I had read, re recorded it, whatever, and and I was sharing it with some friends. This is the first song I ever did, and so I sent it to her, and I had talked to her, and he's he's only met two of the people I've ever dated, Jen, who's Jacob, and Miriam's mother, my former partner, still one of my best friends. And then Bernadette, and I showed him a picture. I said, Well, I was talking to Bernadette the other day, and so I showed him a picture off my phone of the three of us. We had dinner on South Shore one time. And he goes, Oh, she had a little car. I'm like, Yeah. And she did Minnie Cooper, oh yeah, I remember her. I said, Okay. And then I thought, I test him. I'm like, Well, who am I? Because I don't know if he really knows me, right? He goes, Well, you're, you're Theodore. That's my dad's name by the way. I go, Oh, I'm Theodore. He goes, Yeah. I said, Well, who are you? I'm just the guy that was in that picture. Oh, wow. I go, who's Tracy? He's like, I don't know. So that was a rough day. Yeah, it's just gotten worse. Some days he knows who I am. Today, he said I was his brother.

Siobhan: 29:00

It's tough. Yeah, it's tough. When my grandmother first started to really lose her memory, and like, I went in one day, and she didn't really react when I went in, but she reacted when my ex husband walked in, and I was like, and she used to always love men, like she, we joked that, like she, if you were a guy, you could tell her anything. If you were a woman, she didn't believe you. Like, she would flirt with guys. She, you know, she was just like, I mean, that's I'm a lot like her, although I flirt with

Unknown: 29:27

women too,

Siobhan: 29:30

but she just, like, didn't remember me, and I was super close to her, like, spent so much time with her, and it was just crushing. And like, I didn't, and then I'm sitting there trying not to, like, take it personal, because I'm like, I know she doesn't remember, you know, and like, we'd had conversations because she hid it for a long time, and she was pretty good at it. Like she would be like, Oh no, no, I remember that I was just like, testing you. Or, you know, she would do little things to kind of throw you off. But she would often tell me that from like, she'd point to her head, from here, like her eyes were. Here down, she was okay, but from here up, she had no idea. And it was always kind of funny. But then when it really, like, hit home, where she didn't know who we were, or, like, you'd go in and be like, Oh, Nan, who else was here today? And she's like, nobody, nobody even came to visit me. And then we would look at, like we had a book that everybody would write in, who was there, what was happening, so, like, we all knew, and we would keep track of it. And like, you'd look and like, three other people had been there that day, and she know I recollection that they were there, and just didn't know who was or but then you could talk to her about things that were like, way in the past, and she would have perfect recall for it. Yeah, my dad does it all the time, yeah. And it was like, you would never know. And then every once in a while, you'd walk in and she'd know exactly who you were, and you would have a great conversation. And you'd be like, okay, like, and like, for me, I would be like, salivating on those moments, like, trying to, like, just soak up and stay for as long as I can, because it was like, Oh, I get this glimmer of who she used to be. And, yeah, it's just heartbreaking.

Tracie: 30:52

Some days are good. Like, last Sunday, not yesterday, but the week before, yeah, I mean, we went yesterday too, but the week before, he was able to like because he hadn't fallen in a week. Oh yeah, he fell three times in one week prior to that. Well, that's when I threatened the lawyer, of course. And he went a week without falling. And it seemed like it was starting to clear up a little bit, maybe not get better, as in, like curing it, but his mind seemed more clear, and he was able to get in and out of the car. Oh, wow, you know, into the wheelchair. I took him to Applebee's. We had a good day. I took him to see our friends, because, you know, Hannah and Tory live in the same building, yeah, and just like, five apartments down. And Hannah came out and said hi to him, and why I'm waving to you, but, you know, and it was a good day, and then Monday completely opposite. He couldn't sit up. That's when he hit his eye. He acted like he couldn't sit up. So he was like, hunched over. And so it's just, you know, one day is good, one day is bad, and I have to quit asking him if he knows who I am, because he gets angry, right? How do I play these games with me?

Siobhan: 32:06

Like, okay, it's just, you have to kind of just give in to where they're at. And it's hard because

Tracie: 32:12

it's really hard. I'm so much like him, it's even harder, yeah, but yeah, my

Siobhan: 32:18

uncle Joe had early onset Alzheimer's. But he would forget, like, while you were talking to him sometimes, like, towards the end, like, one of my uncles, this is how my family is, because we're a bunch of assholes. Like, would be like, Hey, Joe, you remember her, yeah. And he'd like, oh yeah, Siobhan, like, but he thought I was like, 20. And then my uncle would be like, Oh yeah, she got married. Or this is her boyfriend. You should ask him if you're married. And so, like, for like, for like, 25 minutes every like five minutes he like, so Siobhan, is this, did you get married? And, I mean, and I'm like, No, Uncle Joe, I did not get married. Like, or, you know, like, Yes, Uncle Joe, I got married five years. You know, it was just, and it was almost mean. But everyone smile, his wife would get mad when he didn't remember, or she'd be, he'd be like, she'd be like, I just told you, and like, we could all see, like, he had no it was like, almost, like 10 second Tom from 51st dates. Like, it was just, like four minutes instead of 10, exactly what I mean, yeah, and you were just, and he was like, happy and nice and but like, had no idea what was going on, yeah? And, like, sometimes he realized he didn't know what was going on. Other times he didn't. And he, or he seemed confused, because he kind of knew who we were, but like, we seem too old. Like, he'd be, like, I just look so much older now, yeah, well, yeah, Uncle Joe, I'm 35 like, I thought you were like, 15, you know, like it was, yeah, but now you're old too, but it was just like, his wife sometimes would get so angry at him, and you got her frustration. But it was also like, sad to see her get mad when, like, you can't do anything about it. Like, yeah, I understand her, though, yeah, oh, yeah. I totally understand it too. There is something about it that you're just like, why can't you? It's like, dealing with a child exactly, but it's your parent. Like, you know, your parents eventually become your children. They do, and if you're lucky enough to still have you

Tracie: 33:59

exactly, I don't know. It's been an interesting few months. And then about September 5, I was getting something, you know, warmed up the microwave, and I was with my left arm got real tingly and heavy and dropped to my side, and I couldn't lift it. And then eventually I was able to go and I already knew what it was, because I'm a medical professional and I've had it before, but it would go away, right? So, my God, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Within my left leg got real heavy and numb. And so, of course, being a respiratory therapist, I take out my pulse ox. Well, what's my heart doing? Because I started panicking and I was getting chest pain. Heart A was fine. Sats are fine. I'm like, All right, you just freaking yourself out. And sat down, and all of a sudden I got a massive headache. And I was really dizzy, and I called Tori, and I said, Can you take me to the ER? He's like, what's going on? I go, I think I'm having a stroke. And so he took me to the ER, and they did the whole and I couldn't keep my left like, you know, you have to go like this. And my left arm kept dropping, right, yeah, so they had to call it. I had a TIA, which is a for those who don't know, it's a transient ischemic accident, which is also called a mini stroke. And I had the only deficit I've had is I lost a little bit of strength on my in my left leg and my left arm, and I'm tired all the time, which they said is very common, right? It could take a year before I get that a month ago, I know, two days I got out of the hospital on a Sunday and Monday, I was back. Tuesday, I was back in the gym. So that's the thing is, I had just started going to the gym again. Me and Tory joined Alameda fitness. Used to be Mariner square.

Siobhan: 36:01

I go there. I do water aerobics three days a week. Which, which? Class 9am

Tracie: 36:06

with Michelle. I can't do the nine because it's too intense, but I've been trying to do the gentle, the gentle, but I can always just my dad, just

Siobhan: 36:13

do them. Just do a modified version of it. You don't have to do what she's doing. You look at all those little ladies. You think, oh, sorry, old ladies, I love you, but they're not there on it. I was there this morning. There. I've been going three days a week for it or miss you then, yeah, I'd like Go in, go to the pool, and then, like, I've never been into the rest of that building,

Tracie: 36:36

that's what I do, is I go in, I go to the pool, and I do my own little because I've done it before and but two days. But I'm telling you, I overdid it first day, and by the time I tried, I could barely walk. I could barely move my leg. And I'm like, oh, because if I had any doubt, I'm like, whatever. I mean, I knew when they took me for a walk in the hospital on my left leg. I've always limped right, because my knee right. I've always had us a little bit of a little bit of a gimp there. And then when I was walking, it was like, like, plop, yeah. It's like, I had no control. It's kind of like having dropped foot. Yeah, I had which, yeah, when you have no control of your foot, you just can't I had it too for

Siobhan: 37:19

like, four days, Yeah, indeed, in my kitchen, what, yeah, I was, it was, like, back when I was on a lot of, like, fentanyl and everything, and I woke up and I was in my fridge, like, inside, like, it was, like, I had opened the door of the fridge and then just collapsed. And the way I found my foot was, like, pointed out, but like, up against my cabinet. And so I woke up, my dog was like, licking me in the face, and I don't know how long I was down for. I don't know any of it. And when I got up, I couldn't move my foot. And then I was like, researching drop foot. And it was like, it could might not go away ever, depending on, like, how many hours it was or and I was like, freaking out. Like, three days I was walking around, like, flip boop flip, like, and like, I worked at the hospital then, and like, what, two of the women that I worked with were like, what's up? And I'm like, the way I slept the other night, I don't know, drop foot. Like, it's like, I'm not gonna tell them. I think I would eat in my kitchen. Like, holy shit, got I taken a bath, and I got out of the bathtub, and I got into my fridge, went into my fridge to get something cold to drink, because I felt super, like, clammy. And everything was when I had a fentanyl patch on, they'd up my fentanyl patch, and I hadn't thought about it when I got into the tub, Oh, got into a hot tub, and all the fentanyl released into my system. And, I mean, that's what I assume, like when I put it together later, like, yeah, that makes sense. I was like, oh, that's probably why I felt so. That's why you can't go into hot tubs or anything. Or anything like that, right? Yeah. And, like, I you know, you know it, but when you're in it sometimes, and you're in so much pain, you're not thinking about it like I was just, yeah, like, Oh my God, my body hurts. Let me try to take a bath, see if that helps. Yeah. Then I probably took a Vicodin on top of that, because I had them for breakthrough pain, so I probably did both. And then the fentanyl just kicked in, yeah?

Tracie: 39:01

And I have no idea, so grateful that you're still here.

Siobhan: 39:05

Thank you. Yeah, the the amount of times I look back and I'm like, Oh, wow, I probably should be died, you know? Yeah, well, that when I kicked that, well, when I came off fentanyl, like, the first time I did it, I just went cold turkey, yeah? And I, I'd been on fentanyl for, like, I don't know, a year and a half, and my sister in law was said something to me about I couldn't she wouldn't leave my niece with me. And I had never had someone tell me they wouldn't leave a baby with me. I'd been babysitting since I was nine. Like, babies, like, Yeah, and so I was just so offended. And I was like, I am not an addict. And I went home and I took it off, and I went through the DTS, and, yeah, almost. And, like, I knew better, but I also, like, was so headstrong about, like, I am not an addict.

Tracie: 39:47

Is it interesting this stuff? Because I've had, I had the same experience when I first started out with all my back issues, back in 2000 and I moved here in 2008 so about the time I moved here, really, I had this. Same thing. I was getting all these shots and stuff, and they just weren't working, and I, I was taking eight to 10. I can never remember what they're called, nor. Nor goes, yeah, the 10 milligrams a day just to survive. Yeah, working. Oh yeah, no less, yeah.

Siobhan: 40:21

I was sorry, no, yeah, I was on a but I was on a 50 milligram fentanyl patch every three days and breaks that through stuff, yeah? And still working, until one of the women I work with was like, Why do you seem so like, dopey all of a sudden all the time. I was like, Oh, I think it's my pain meds. And she was like, you can't be driving on those.

Tracie: 40:39

And she's like, Wait, it's amazing how you function, right? And she was like, Wait,

Siobhan: 40:42

you've still been doing like, a good job. Yeah,

Tracie: 40:46

I could do it too. I mean, I did it too. And, I mean, because you didn't have the pain, right? Well, yeah, I mean, right. And your body was so used to it at that point. So they sent me to this pain clinic because so I could get this other stuff to help with my back. But they had to get me off the other stuff first, right? So they gave me a fentanyl patch. And I suppose every three days you change it, right? Yeah. So I took it off one day because it was to change it to get in the shower, and for didn't realize I never put it back on, and I was sitting in the chair, and I thought I was going to climb out of my skin. Oh yeah, that. I was like, What is wrong with me? I feel I don't know. Yes, like, ants under your skin, yes. And I went like this and rubbed my arms. I'm like, Oh my God, my patch. So I went and put the new patch on. Within five minutes, it was like, normal, and I'm like, Oh, my God, my body is so addicted to that the stuff that they give you to break an addiction is even that you get addicted to is ridiculous. And I don't even know how I remember how it ended up being that I got off of that thing, but I did not that it helped my back any.

Siobhan: 42:00

But well, when I found out that pain medicine can also start to cause more pain, that was a mind fuck to me. I was like, Wait a second, so you're giving me stuff to mask my pain, but it can also just start causing more pain, and then your body gets addicted to the pain medication, and then it's just using it for the addiction and not for the pain management, but then you need to take more in order to get the relief, but the relief is minimal because it's actually causing more pain. Yep. And I was just like, What the fuck. And then nobody would have anything else to offer me, until, unless, more more drugs,

Tracie: 42:35

which is why we have the crisis in this country that we have. And then you have doctors who won't give it to anybody, right? Because anybody who says, Well, I usually take this, oh, they're drug seeking. No, no, not everyone. Yeah. They just know that two years ago when they had this issue, this is what worked for them, and they haven't had it since. But that's besides the

Siobhan: 42:54

point. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Well, because they used to give it to everybody and say, so people are like, Oh, that's what they gave me. And it worked then, so maybe it'll work now. And then they're like, Oh, you just want drugs. And they're like, not really. I just because everyone they think is just a terrible person.

Tracie: 43:07

I did the same thing, though, when I have kidney stones. I've had so many, I know it works. Morphine doesn't work. Yeah, you give you the toradol, but that's for the spasms, right? I go. I'm telling you right now, I need the, my gosh, I can't think the name of it because I've had it because I've had it so long. Does starts with the D, whatever. It doesn't matter. But I just remember they had to pan No, starts with the Oh my gosh.

Siobhan: 43:36

It's on the tip of my tongue too.

Tracie: 43:39

It's right there. I know. Let's see pain meds that start with a D, yes, Google.

Siobhan: 43:46

I like to call it magic boxing, because I don't want to give anyone else credit. I also don't use Google. That

Tracie: 44:01

was loud. Dilaudid, Dilaudid, yes, I don't know why that was so hard. Oh, yeah, but it was, yeah. I'm like, I guess it's good. I haven't had it

Siobhan: 44:09

in a long knock on wood. Tables wood, yeah, tables one, okay,

Tracie: 44:13

but that's the only thing that works for me. And first time I ever had that, I understand why people get addicted to IV drugs. Let me just put it that way, yeah, yeah. I was like, why would you not want to feel that amazing all the time? I used to try. I never touched

Siobhan: 44:28

it. It's what I used to say. It's, it felt like a warm hug, yeah, and, oh god, that's the way. Yeah, it's just like, so much.

Tracie: 44:36

Yeah, it's like euphoria. And I even thought to myself, yeah, never gonna try anything remotely interested that's related to IV insertion outside of pain, to

Siobhan: 44:50

load it in a pill form too. Yeah, it doesn't work the same. But, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've had, I don't think there's a pain medication. That was out in the mid 2000s probably actually, let's say late 90s to mid 2000s that I had not tracked, that I had not been prescribed and given or told I should take or was on for an extended period of time.

Tracie: 45:17

I'm very addiction runs on both sides of my family, alcohol, whatever. And I very mindful now when I have surgeries, I mean, I still take the Norco because I'm not gonna not take pain meds, oxy, forget that I had that once when I had my open lap back in 2018 is the worst. It works immediately. It takes away the pain, but that is the worst medicine on your digestive system. I ended up in the ER because I thought had a blockage. Oh, wow, and it was just because the meds backs you up so bad.

Siobhan: 45:59

I can't take those for more than two days, or else I start to get cluster migraines. So I can be like, you can give that to me for the first 24 to 48 hours, but then you need to put me on either Dilaudid or Narco or, like, some of the other stuff. But I and I really like, I know what works for my body and what doesn't morphine. I have to be careful about because that will also set off if by the third dose, I started to get headaches. And, like, not just headaches, they're migraines, yeah, like, auras, light everything. And I'm just like, and then my blood pressure starts to spike. I start to get a temperature, and it's like, it's

Tracie: 46:34

awful, yeah, that's not fun. They actually asked me if I have migraines when I was in the hospital, because severe migraines can mimic a TIA. Oh, wow, yeah. And I'm like, No, but that's good to know,

Siobhan: 46:46

yeah, yeah. After I had my hysterectomy, they invert you when you have a hysterectomy. And so we talked, we never talked about it, but I, because of my neck injury, they had just, even though I was only inverted for, like, maybe two hours, three hours while the surgery happened. I The between the pressure from the anesthesia in your that clogs in there, and then just that being inverted. I had the worst migraine where I thought I was having a TIA, like, my mother had to bring me back into the hospital, yeah, and like they had to check in. The doctors was like, well, maybe she's having a different reaction to it. And then it was just, like, all the pressure from that in my neck, and it was just,

Tracie: 47:27

yeah, it's awful. I've been upside down too. It's never fun, because they gave me too much medicine, because my my Buster, went from way up here to way down there. And I'm like, I think I'm gonna pass out. That was for the other thing, I've had so many surgeries, we could do a whole show just on that. Oh my god. But so anyway, that's kind of it's been a lot. And then he's just, some days he's good, some days he's bad. For those who are just joining us, we're circling back to my dad and his dementia, and he today was, you know, I just go, I go, I'm there. I take I'm there, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and then Thursdays and Fridays. I try to take Wednesday to give you a break in the middle, and him a break and a Saturday, unless he falls, because then I have to go and check on him, right, make sure he's okay. But I'm there. That's where I just came from. Actually, usually between 1230, to one till three to four, right? You know, five days a week, that's a lot. It's my full time job, so I guess I'm not working full time is it's been a blessing, but I'm not for your panic head into the end. Well, thank God for disability, right? You know,

Siobhan: 48:52

is there anything that you can get for being a full time caregiver? I've looked into

Tracie: 48:57

it. They just don't pay, you don't pay a lot of money, and I could never leave the house. He needs 24/7, right?

Siobhan: 49:04

No, no, yeah, no. It's good that he's in some place that has that, but you're still full time caretaking him basically,

Tracie: 49:11

um, you know, I'm there during the I'm there during some hours, like three hours every day, like 15 hours a week, no, which is a lot, but, and sometimes more, it just depends or less, because sometimes I'll go there and I'm there for an hour and he's kicking me out, or he's so tired because he fell the day before and he needs to take a nap, and so I'll hang out with him till he falls asleep, you know, whatever. And I feel guilty when I don't go I was really hard when I was dating this person. They're all therapists, and they all need their own therapists. Let me just say that, but I used to call her I'm like, I need your therapy hat. Okay? Is it okay that I go see my dad? Today because I'm exhausted. They're like, Yeah, of course, yeah. Why do you feel like it's not so I'd have my own therapy session, and it not feeling guilty about not going to see my dad, but then something would happen, like, on one of the days I don't go, he'd fall and then I've not gone to karaoke, I've not done this. I've not done that because I'm too afraid to leave, because he's so unstable, and it's just like, Okay, I'll just stay home and because I don't want to be too far away, right? And that's another reason I want jobs as close to Alameda as possible. So well,

Siobhan: 50:35

especially it's you're the only one here with him. I am so like, if you don't go see him, he's, you know, just hanging out with the staff all day, which makes like I get which is good in some ways, but because why you would feel guilty? Yeah, I don't think you should, but I understand it.

Tracie: 50:50

He gets along with. There's only one person he doesn't get along with. Nobody gets along with this person, staff or other residents. So he's a problem child, but they tried to move him in when one of his roommates moved out, and my dad's like, you move him in? One of us is gonna fucking die, and it ain't gonna be me. I'm like, yeah, it's probably a good idea not to move him in, because, right, that definitely would have happened. But I don't know. It's just, it's a roller coaster. It's you just never know what you're gonna get when you go. It's kind of like, yesterday, I was on my way home and I was, it was a mixed bag, you know? We went shopping and we went to Applebee's again, because that's what we kind of do on Sundays, right? And started out okay, and didn't end well. So it was kind of like, okay, I was on my way home and I heard the song, sweet music, man, Reba McIntyre version, and I'm like, Oh, my God, that's exactly the sentiment of that song. I don't know if you know the song was actually originally written and recorded by Kenny Rogers in 1977 and if you go to my Instagram page and watch the video that I did of it. You'll get all that information again, but so I went home and recorded it. How has music been going? Music is getting better. I'm took a, you know, with work, took a lot of my time, but I still go to karaoke on Tuesdays, unless something happens, like, I don't know TIA or or he falls, or he falls, and I'm in the ER or something. But for the it's been kind of up and down lately, but I've just met some amazing people there. They've become really good friends. I used to go there for one reason, right? And a mutual friend, and I just met a lot of really cool people there, and there's so many, so much talent. It's like going into the fireside or any other place in this in Alameda, right? But this is in Pleasanton, and they're just amazing people, and they're all extremely talented. So it's been very In fact, they, a few of them were just over at my house and brought up they're using my instruments, like Abby's playing my electric guitar, and her partner, Paulo is playing my my I saw that piano and like, Well, I'm glad somebody knows how to play the Piano, because I don't. Maybe I should learn. But writing me and Dakota from squeaky wrote a song together. So I think the last you know, she would be such an amazing guest. Oh, my God, she's amazing. Or they, yeah, I was gonna they. I think it's they're what

Siobhan: 53:39

their pronouns are, but

Tracie: 53:41

they're amazing. And came to my house one day, and what's your songwriting process? And I'm like, Well, me usually, it usually comes to me weirdly, like Dolly Parton talking to me, singing to me a song called greener pastures, which I ended up writing in her voice. And I'm like, okay,

Siobhan: 54:02

so I wrote that song. You mean, like it was in her voice through your head, yeah?

Tracie: 54:06

Like I was in the shower, and I hear, I'm moving on to greener pastures in the voice of Dolly part. And I'm like, What the It was so real. And so I opened the curtain. I'm like, hello, this is my old apartment over, off behind, swell, yeah. And there's nobody there, just me. So a song came of that. It's actually one of my favorites. But um, so I gave her a title. I have a lot of titles, right? Because if something will hit to me, I'm like, That's a great song title, and I'll write it down. And I said, here's a title, Wrong place, wrong time, wrong person. She's like, okay. And she just, boom, boom, boom. Within 10 minutes. Oh, wow. So I looked at that, and I'm like, All right, and I start playing music, and, I mean, rearranged a few things, and my friend Tyler, what happened to be there that day? And he's like, Well, what if we don't do that here and we do this? I'm like, Oh, that's a great idea. So, and it's a great song, nice. I can't wait to hear it. It's on my Instagram. All right. Oh, I probably watched it. It's also on my Youtube. Is it? I don't know if I put it on YouTube, but well, you should before this. Once I once I did it without her, and once I did it with her. Last time I did without

Siobhan: 55:13

her. What's your YouTube page?

Tracie: 55:16

I think it's just Dream Track, Dream Track, or it's under my name, Tracy Reems, Terry, C, I, E, R, E, A, M, E, S, I honestly don't know

Siobhan: 55:27

that's all right. We'll link in the show. I'll find I know his dream track in the show notes,

Tracie: 55:33

but I can find it and send it to you. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll do that before the end of the day, for sure. But interesting stuff on that channel. Some of it you can't see because it's not meant to be seen. No, okay? Because it's, oh, I have to do this video. And they want to copy the video, and the only I can send it to them as if it's a YouTube link. So I have to make that particular one only if you have the code or whatever, yeah. But my stuff is public, yeah, oh, days. But, uh, so, you know, I think the last time I saw you to do this, I should say not ever did I have one song released or

Siobhan: 56:13

two. I think it was your first one. I think that was the first regret. Yeah, still, one of

Tracie: 56:17

my favorites, I like that. Actually got to sing that with flash a couple weeks ago. Was a lot of fun. We reconnected. We have a mutual friend, Sheena. I'm gonna name drop. So if you know Sheena, Sheena, bobina, yeah, absolutely, probably she was at the Filipino Yeah, she was, she's an amazing talent as well.

Siobhan: 56:37

Yeah, I want to have her come up. I know her well because she is friends with Pia from July botanicals. So if you listen, you know, and then she it was amazing to get to see her on stage this weekend, and you get to go as I had friends over, but yeah, she emceed the main stage at the Filipino Island Festival, and I was at the bar and so and but I was managing both bars, so I would run over to VIP every once in a while, check on them, and I'd get to see her perform a little and chat and whatever. So it was so much fun to see her.

Tracie: 57:05

Yeah, she's, she's an

Siobhan: 57:07

amazing, amazing human being, and she's extremely talented. She I could listen to her sing all day. Oh, she's, yeah, she's really good, yeah, hopefully in the next couple weeks, yay. I'm excited because especially, She's downstairs all the time at at Malaya, so need to come up.

Tracie: 57:23

So, yeah, definitely, it's so funny. The the I mean, when I met her, I met her through swell. Okay, we'll circle back to the other stuff. But since we're on this, because Mel, her and Mel are like, best friends, and she was doing karaoke, and Crystal was back as well on Wednesdays only. So that's why I started going and we just started talking. And one day I walked in, and Crystal's like, Guess who's here? And I'm like, Who? She's like, Tommy. I'm like, Tommy who from karaoke in Pleasanton? I'm like, really? What's he doing here? She's like, because she knows him. She's known for like, 15 years. I'm like, of course, yeah. I'm like, so it's just we're connected, but especially in music, right? Everybody knows everybody in this town, it seems like, or at least, has heard of them or seen them or something. And it's kind of amazing. I love it. Actually. It's nice because you really make connections. Well, Oh, I saw you. You know that? Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that person. And so it's a lot of fun. But back to what you're saying. We got Sheena, I guess. What was I saying? Oh, Flash knows her. That's how that all came out, yeah? So that's how we reconnected. Was through her. So we did it at open mic a couple weeks ago. It was a lot of fun. Sounded he's he's an amazing musician as well. If you need a guitarist, I got one for you, yeah? So I just released regret, I think, and then I think that was, remember what it was, but I don't know if it was the same year or later on, the early the next year I did took me by surprise, which is one of my better ones for sure. It's Hannah's favorite, actually.

Siobhan: 59:22

And it is, Dr Hannah. Dr

Tracie: 59:24

Hannah, just here, yes, I know

Siobhan: 59:28

I have to finish editing her episode. Yeah, she's, I love her, yeah, we got into a very deep conversation about race.

Tracie: 59:35

Well, I mean, that is her specialty, so, so I did that one, and then I think it's been a couple years now, 23 I think it was, it's either 22 or 23 I don't remember. I have to look it up. I released my version of burning love on May 29 which was my mom's birthday, and she was a huge Elvis fan. So that's why I did. It that way. And Ben Flanagan was my producer. Oh, Ben Flanagan from black map, from black map, another amazing human being, let alone artists.

Unknown: 1:00:11

I am waiting for him to come back and from tour so we can sit down. Oh, that'll be so much fun. Sit down right before I went to Burning Man, or right after, I don't remember, and then I was just like, I am in deep decompression and need to get my shit together. Yeah, he was going on tour, so we just couldn't connect. But he'll be in

Tracie: 1:00:29

that'll be fun one too. He's, I mean, I've learned so much from I really it all leads back to fireside, to be honest with you, fireside

Siobhan: 1:00:40

is like a through line throughout this whole podcast.

Tracie: 1:00:43

Exactly. That's how we all know each other's Thank you, Sandy.

Siobhan: 1:00:48

I'm actually going back to fireside starting tonight. I

Tracie: 1:00:51

saw that on the thing. I was like, Wait, when did she go back?

Siobhan: 1:00:54

Sandy's been asked me to come back for a while, and right now it's just the right time. So I'll be back on Monday nights. We're gonna do like, industry night, and then I'll also pick up shifts other times. And nice, yeah, we always love to work together, so it makes sense to come back together. And she's got a lot of great projects going on, and I just, I love working with it's

Tracie: 1:01:14

hit or miss when I go there to see her, sandy or no, she's there, or she's here. Good for her, though, if anybody deserves it, and the fact that she's finally business wise, in a place where she can kind of let go a little bit and breathe and trust the people there. And I mean, she's been there for a little while, but I think it's more solid now than it probably ever has been. Yeah, well, and

Siobhan: 1:01:38

Holly's a great So Holly, managing and taking care of a lot of stuff for her is great. Yeah, she's got the right people in there. Yeah, she does, yeah. And so, and then they're opening this, the gallery next door. And I know that's very exciting. It should be open by the end of the month. And so I'll take some of that too, and nice some of that. And yeah, I'm really excited to be back with her. I mean, it's something that I love. And, you know, she's been doing way more music later lately, like bands almost every weekend, even rock karaoke back twice a month, yeah? Which she always told me she wouldn't. She told me the same thing. Because after, after, you know, the world opened back up. Yeah. Like, are you now? Everybody does karaoke. I'm like, okay, yeah, well, she's not wrong. But people love karaoke. They do, they do. So, yeah, so it's, it's nice. I'm excited to be going back and to, you know, start Monday nights used to be my favorite night to go out, like, all through my 20s, because I've always worked in bars, so Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I was at work. Sunday, usually, like, burnt from, like, just working. And so, like, maybe you go out for dinner Sunday night, but you don't really do too much. And so Monday night was always like my Saturday night, so I would love to go out. And it was always people like that you wanted to hang out with, because it was mostly people, bartenders, servers, hairdressers, it was all kind of industry people, people who had a day off, yeah, who Tuesdays off, so like, Come and enjoy it and hang out and like, it's a great vibe, because it's not the normies, right? You know, like after eight o'clock on a Monday night, most normies are home, so it gave us a chance to have a space where we could, like, talk shit and, you know, just exhale and relax. Yeah, and so Ray and I are gonna try to do that at price side on Monday night, nice. We'll have congratulations, thanks. Yeah, we'll probably eventually have, like, friends come and play too and do kind of fun stuff for ourselves, to keep it interesting and fun, and to make it be somewhere on a Monday night where you want to come and hang out and, like, especially if you're in the industry, yeah, like, have a place where you can have cheap drinks, Good company, maybe some entertainment.

Tracie: 1:03:39

Yeah, I've, yeah, fireside, is they? They I owe all quite honestly, well, that didn't Bernadette, because, has she not told me to write her a song for Christmas one year, this is 20. It was 2015 right? So it's 10 years this December, because it was the year my mom died, my mom and my stepmom, and it was the first Christmas since they both had passed that I was going home. She goes, I just want you to write me a song like, I'm 48 years old. Yes, I'm 58 now. I'm 48 years old. I think if I could write a song by now, I would. She goes, Yeah, you can do it. I go, Yeah, I'll think of something else. She's like, Mike, that was a roommate. I want you and Tracy to write me a song for Christmas. He's like, done. I'm like, thanks. So he writes this poem. I'm like, wow, you've only been here six months, and you know her very well. He actually knew her before I did. But I'm like, All right, so let me read this, and I'm like, this, oh, this has got to be the chorus. So let's repeat this. Let's add on a little bit on the outro. All right, this is how I want it to sound. But I had no idea how to put music, so I went to my guitar because I had gone back after my mom passed and started retaking Guitar Lesson. Is, and I'd sing it for him acapella. He goes, Oh, that's pretty good. I know exactly what you're looking for. So he showed me. He showed me his name was will Hughes. He's in Sacramento. He's an amazing music teacher, an amazing artist. Nice, nice guy, too. And he just helped me. I mean, between the three of us, we came up with this amazing song called no time for red wine because she's allergic to it. She only drinks Chardonnay. So that's cute, but she was right. I guess I could write songs, right?

Siobhan: 1:05:37

Yeah, and it's a skill now that you has, I'm imagining that it's part of what you use to help relax and escape from everything else that's going on. I don't

Tracie: 1:05:45

write as much as I should. I think I don't, you know right before, like I said, right before all the I did a lot of things. I've been doing a lot of things for the last few years that I normally would not do, experimenting in one particular facet of drugs, okay? I was

Siobhan: 1:06:07

trying to figure out

Tracie: 1:06:08

if I knew where that was going, Yeah, and

Siobhan: 1:06:11

so you've been dabbling in drugs.

Tracie: 1:06:13

It's just as I've never done it, right, like, but, well, I think never, it never did anything for me. It was a social thing for me. It's not like I could have it at my house and it'd sit there until the next time I got together. It could be two weeks, right? So, but then the TIA happened. I'm like, Okay, we're done, right? We're done. I don't know if it had anything to do with it, right? With the chance, but that's out, yeah, and I don't drink. I never drink heavily, but, you know, I could drink four or five, have a couple shots in there and be absolutely fine, but I don't even do that anymore. And Tuesday was a rough night, so I had a little bit more than I normally would this past Tuesday, and I felt like shit on Wednesday, because I haven't done it in so long, and I'm like, that's why I don't do it anymore.

Siobhan: 1:07:06

Yeah? Oh yeah, a good hangover will remind you why you should be responsible about drinking. Yeah, I haven't had a big hangover in a long time. Knock on wood, because I, you know, I try to make sure I keep myself within limits. And, you know, make sure I stay responsible. It can be hard sometimes being behind the bar, you know, sometimes you take one extra shot and you're like, oh, yeah, what a good idea. But yeah, having a hangover is the worst thing ever. And also, like, how are we that this old? And having hangover, like,

Tracie: 1:07:39

I don't even know if it was really a hangover. Like, no, yeah, but just, I mean, it was, but it was just not a massive because I just still didn't drink a lot. It was just more than what I have been since I got, since I had the TIA. That's probably a good idea. And I'm just like, oh, I mean, I'm tired yesterday at 930 I thought it was midnight. Oh, wow. And all I did was go see my dad and get a few things on around the house. I was exhausted because Saturday, I was hanging out with my friends. We did music all day. It's a long day, right? It was a good day, but I'm so tired now, since since the incident, it doesn't take a lot for me to get tired anymore, and well, it

Siobhan: 1:08:23

was only a month ago. You're still

Tracie: 1:08:24

I know seems like it was forever, but I still go to the gym three days a week. That's awesome, and I do chair yoga every morning. There you go. And just shows me how messed up some parts of my body really are. It's like I can do this on this side, but I can't do it on this side, or it's lot tighter, and so it's, I mean, it's still working, but it's making me more in tune with, and I've always been really in tune with when I know something's wrong, I know it right, like doctors like, Oh, I'm like, I'm telling you now, skip it. Let's just have the surgery and get it done, right? Because it's just a waste of time, you know, stuff like that. Or just when I'm not feeling good, I know my body pretty well, and it's even more intense now because it's it's just been a weird journey,

Siobhan: 1:09:10

yeah, well, I mean, it's also a lot of emotional stress that you're carrying and dealing with. And I don't think we talk enough about what happens when we start to take care of our parents and like, what the toll is on you, and just the stress of it and the isolation of it and the guilt and the not guilt, and then the kind of resentment that you have to now take care of them, yeah, especially if they haven't set up to take care of themselves very well. I mean, it's a hard thing, but that's where most Americans are, too. Oh yeah, most America, and if, depending on what the government does, it's going to be even harder for people, because they're trying to take away everything. Yeah, what little that we do get and have with all from our tax money? Yeah, I

Tracie: 1:09:53

when my mom and dad died. This is a few months before my stepmother passed away. So weird and unexpected. But, um, we were talking about insurance, whatever. My dad's like, well, I don't have any. I'm like, you don't have any life insurance. He's like, no, what do we need it for? Like, dad for when you die? He goes, What do I care? I'll be dead. Like, okay, but it's not about you because you're dead, right? It's about, it's about because at the time, we're thinking he's gonna Maria's Maria's gonna outlive, right? Maria, Maria, Maria, my Maria, it's Maria. And she's like, Yeah, what about me? And he's like, Well, just throw me in the ditch across the street? Well, first of all, that's illegal, right? So I got, I've been paying for the last 10 years. I got, like, a simple, he doesn't want anything, right?$5,000 it's enough. And I checked it to make sure it has the amount hasn't. That would still be enough here in California, it's plenty. Because all he wants to be cremated. He wants no service. He wants nothing. And I'm like, Who am I gonna have a service with? Right? My friends and I can do that right with the ashes. You know? Yeah, everybody else is back home, and is only got one sister left, because when he got out here, his youngest brother died, been hiding prostate cancer for the last 10 years. Nobody ever knew he had it. And I don't think my dad ever really recovered from that, because it's just him and because it's just him and his the aunt Arlene, she's 86 gonna be 87 and my dad's gonna be 90 at this point. He's outlived his parents. They never lived that long. They live in their 70s, and his youngest or his oldest siblings were in their mid 80s. So he's outlived all everybody. He's tired. He hasn't. He has not wanted to be around since Maria died. He has never been the same, because, like, I was supposed to go first, you know, because he was 80, right? She was 70. And I understand why everybody thought, yeah, but, and you just, you just don't, it's just a freak thing. And, yeah, you don't know how much time you ever had. You don't something that we both know all too well, yeah, and we do, yeah,

Siobhan: 1:12:12

and it's, but it's, that's why it's so important to, like, find your joy, find your tribe, live your truth, like, be happy, because it all goes by so fast. So yeah, staying in things where you're not happy, or that you're just grinding through every day, like the amount of toll it takes on you, and like the amount of your soul that it eats is just it's why so many people, I think, are unhappy in the world, is because they're just surviving. And it's Oh, yeah, right now, yeah. And I completely get it, but it's like, figuring out a way that you can find your joy while surviving, or no or being aware, like you're just in survival mode. Because, like, I think by being aware of it, it gives you, like, almost a sense of relief. And you're like, all right, I know I have to do this to survive, but like, let me find ways to have some other joy in my life. Like, find some other way that's to, like, be happy or connect, and you know, if you can admit that you're surviving, then you can kind of start to thrive. Yeah, you know, it's just like, knowing where you're at and being aware of it and being present. Yeah, it's a hard thing to learn to do.

Tracie: 1:13:16

Sometimes, I tell people all the time who like, I hate they're like, I hate my job, but the money so good. I'm like, Yeah, but you spend the majority of your life has been at a place you hate, right?

Siobhan: 1:13:28

Is it worth it? Right? Yeah. Like, make the money get into a point where you can be like, Okay, now it doesn't have to be about the money. Because, I mean, I'm I got it, like, my bank,

Tracie: 1:13:39

mine has enough to cover half the rent for October, which, yeah, but I get the rest this week. It'll be all

Siobhan: 1:13:50

right, yeah. And it's that, like, I was saying to someone the other day, like, I'm concerned about my financial situation. And like, because I'm not, I don't have my day job right now that I was like, I am concerned, but not worried. And I was like, normally I would like, me two years ago, would be freaking out. But right now I'm just like, you know what it's it'll all work out the way it should be. Like, I still have some savings left. I know that. You know, I have plenty of opportunities. I get job offers all the time, but it's like, I want to stay within the stuff that brings me joy, and I want to stay focused on building this and building my own company and building something no one can take away from me, and like, helping people while I'm doing it, because it's all I've ever you know me, yeah, all I want to do is put good out in the world and help people and show people the different ways. Or, like, being at the bar is one of the things that I love, because I get to be like, the soft spots of someone, you know, like, I have people that would be like, I came just to see you because I like, a shitty day, or like, I came because I wanted to share this joyful thing with you, you know. So to me, that's me putting some good out into my community, and the podcast is a way for me to put out more joy into the broader community.

Tracie: 1:14:58

Yeah, I get it. I mean, that's kind. Of like, you know, I mean, I'm glad I'm going to the gym and I'm doing all that, because I do feel better when I go. There are days I'm like, I don't want to go, I'm gonna go, and I feel so much better. I'm exhausted, but I feel like, okay, that was what I needed to do. But that's why I'm glad I'm surrounded by talent, because music, you know me, music is my outlet, and it's, you know, I've got a new Speaker Now I got, you know, I'm getting gig stuff. And I'm like, I'm 58, years old. What the hell am I thinking getting gig stuff now? Well, I went and saw Sheena. Yeah, back to Sheena and Hobnob a few weeks ago, and I have a gig there now, on November 8, from six to eight. Thank you. Yeah. So all my people are coming so far, so have not be ready. You're gonna have a lot of lot of people. Sweet, November 8. November 8, it's kind of cool because it's six to eight, it's just two hours. Yeah, you can take like, a 10 minute break if you want to, which I always forget to do, and I'm exhausted, and I'm like, Why? Because I did a show with Michael James, well, back in April, and I forgot to take a break. And when he took a break during his set, I'm like, oh shit, yeah, I could have done that. Try to remember to do that this time. It's just a couple hours. Oh, but, you know, I might have one of my one or two of my friends come up and do a song.

Siobhan: 1:16:21

Oh, good. I hope I can make it that night.

Tracie: 1:16:23

Yeah, I will send you the info. I'm still working on a flyer. I need a new picture. All right, let's take that. Uh, I need my guitar, and I need to look like I'm a musician.

Siobhan: 1:16:34

I gotta put it in my phone right now.

Tracie: 1:16:38

Thank you. That'd be awesome if you can make it, I know that you're very busy and something may pop up.

Siobhan: 1:16:43

So if I'm not working that night, I will be there. That's my new thing is, once I commit to something, unless it's work related, I do not that's like, usually my goal is to go to the places that bring me joy.

Tracie: 1:16:56

Yeah, exactly I, you know, I just this whole medical issue. I mean,

Siobhan: 1:17:05

which one the TIA, the back surgery, is the knee, the TIA, because

Tracie: 1:17:10

all that I worry it could have been, I'm so grateful, so profoundly grateful that it was no more than what it was right? Because all I keep thinking about is, what if it would have been worse, and what would happen to my father?

Siobhan: 1:17:27

Yeah, but in that just shows who you are too, because your first instinct isn't what happens to you, it's what happens to him.

Tracie: 1:17:35

Well, there's nobody else to take care of him. I mean, you know to be here,

Siobhan: 1:17:39

right? No, he would be confused too on like he was, where were you?

Tracie: 1:17:43

Well, he already tells me now he thinks that Maria left him and just walked away. He doesn't remember that she died. And it's like, I try to gently remind him, but he doesn't understand. He just now she didn't. She just got tired and she left me too terrible. And it's like, I want to be an asshole, no, Dad, she's dead, all right? But which is worse, him remembering that pain, right? Or him thinking that she's just not here? Yeah, either way, she's not here, right? And so why does it matter? What doesn't matter? Yeah, and I gotta remember, I remind myself that all the time, and I yeah,

Siobhan: 1:18:27

I used to say to one of my friends who was going through kind of a similar thing with their dad, and I was like, You know what? You know how you can't reason with drunk? And they were like, yeah, like, You can't reason with dementia. Like, you've got to figure out how to not be mad and just meet them where they're at and, like, try to have fun with it. Like, you know, I as much as you can, like, try to, because if you can have fun with it, like, they will pick up on that energy. And sometimes it won't work, and sometimes they'll just be mad at you for, like, laughing at them, yeah, but other times you can get them to kind of, like, loosen up a little and not be as so because, like I said, it's got to be so scary for them for not really knowing what's going on.

Tracie: 1:19:06

Yeah, he will be talking about one thing, and then he'll bring something up. I'm like, What dog the dog you were just talking to me about? And I had we were talking about something totally different, right? I'm like, I don't remember we were talking about that. What kind of dog was it? You know? And I'm trying to reach retrain myself, because you literally have to retrain yourself on how not to react. Like, what are you talking about? We were talking about, no dog, right? About this doesn't do any good to try to enforce it, because that's not what they remember, right? And I'm not always great at it. Of course,

Siobhan: 1:19:40

you're not going to be your human being, and you're so used to reacting in one way right now you're trying to, like you said, retrain

Tracie: 1:19:46

yourself. So we try to, he sleeps a lot when I'm there anyway, because He doesn't sleep at night. So what we do is we like to go like I once a week, I bring the stuff, and he likes to have a clean head, so I shave his head, and I shave. Him up here, and he put on his brute, which, by the way, even after washing your hands 50 times, you can still smell it. And thankfully, it smells amazing. Because I love brute. I don't obviously use it. Well, no, I wouldn't say the obvious. I just don't choose to use that kind, right? But he loves it, he always has. So we just put it on his head. It takes 10 years off the guy, I mean, he looks like he's 10 years younger once he when he's cleaned up. So we did that. And then we sit outside, we sit in the back, or we'll go down to the beach, because he's just down the what, a block away, and we just watch planes. That's our thing is. We'll look at that plan, look at that. Oh yeah. He'll be like, that's, that's a bomber plan. I wonder where they just drop that bomb, or that's a carrier. And he'll go, like, probably don't want to do that in public, but okay, and he'll tell me all that's, that's got a blue tail, and it's got a, you know, he'll describe what he thinks the plan looks like. And so that's our thing. And it's weird, because backtrack a little bit. When I started getting the tattoos once my mom and my stepmom died, I got that, and then, you know, I got this one over here, and he used to give me shit about tattoos. I'm like, coming from the man with a naked, faded, naked girl. That doesn't count. I got that in prison. I'm like, that makes it better.

Unknown: 1:21:25

Wait, was your dad really in prison? He was

Tracie: 1:21:28

in jail a couple times for back child support, way back in the day before me, Ty found out I had a brother in a first marriage from him, and then couple drunk driving incidents. But, um, but just common knowledge. That's not a big deal. But that's how they one lady recognized him at the, er, is that my guy? Yeah, she sees that. Oh, my God, that's how many times he's been there for falls, right? But he was, he used to give me crap about all these tattoos. And then when I got these two after, after, you know, my mom and Maria passed away, and then I got this one. I got my Tigers one. He goes, you might want to save room, like, for what? Well, you might need another one one day. Don't worry, Pops. I got you right here. And it was really weird. It's like, I have no idea what it's gonna be. He goes, Well, Michigan, I was never gonna have anything Michigan State on this body. I love you, but you just like the wrong Michigan football team. Okay, I'm more of a U of M. I'm a Wolverines. He's a he's a Spartan. I don't know when that changed, but whatever. And I was thinking it's so weird, because one day he was really he fell, and he hit his head, and he had a really bad bruise, and he was, I didn't know if he's gonna make it, because when I went to the ER, he was not in good shape, and I don't know everything just started hitting me, and I'm like, yeah, it's gonna be a plane. So I've already got it planned out his tattoo, once he passed us away, it's gonna be a plane and it's gonna have his name is his final flight, something to that effect. And I'm like, that's beautiful. Should I feel bad for already having that planned out? Because I feel everything. You'd think I was Catholic, because everything makes me feel guilty. It's like, even if I'm like, an idea just comes to me like that. It's like, because he's always asked me, what's it going to be and like, I don't know. I don't want to think about it until you're till I have to. And then that day I thought I had to. And so I guess that's one thing I could take off my list, but I'm in no hurry, right? We got number 90 coming up in a week and a half. So, yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, I'm I didn't think he's gonna make it, but I don't know how much longer after right? I think he might be hanging on for that, be honest with you, but that little milestone, he might surprise me, and he could be around for three more years. I don't know. Yeah, I'm okay with that. Don't get me wrong, right? But He's so stubborn. He's too stubborn. Do you know what they say? Only the good die young? Well, only the stubborn live long.

Siobhan: 1:24:12

I would agree with that.

Tracie: 1:24:16

He's too stubborn, and I'm glad. I'm very grateful for that.

Siobhan: 1:24:19

So, yeah, because, as you know, as hard as it is, you're still not ready to let him go either. No, and that's

Tracie: 1:24:27

I'm not, I mean, I miss, that's what I was saying in the beginning of the video when I did sweet music, man, yesterday, I'm grateful for the time, but God, I really miss my dad sometimes, right?

Siobhan: 1:24:40

Yeah? Well, because, yeah, it's, and that's like, the hardest part of, like, dementia at Alzheimer's. It's like, death by 1000 cuts, because you like, you're losing them all the time, yeah, but then they have those moments of glimmers where they are them and and then it makes you miss them even more. And it's like, makes it harder, because you're like, oh, I have them. Oh, no, I don't. Oh, yeah. Like, this isn't them. It's like a version of them, obviously, but it's not who you know them as. Yeah, my sister, you're like, missing them while they're still alive.

Tracie: 1:25:09

Yep, my sister in law's mom just died back home in Michigan, and she had been in a home for about three or four years now with actually Alzheimer's, or just, or just just dementia. I'm not sure which one it was, but you know, same thing, and when that happened, like, oh my gosh, yeah, it's we all die at some point, right? It's just a matter how you go,

Siobhan: 1:25:39

Oh, yeah, definitely, and just how and

Tracie: 1:25:44

when I prefer to just be asleep. But what are the odds, right? Yeah, it's not really, unless my grandma got that she went to sleep and never woke up.

Siobhan: 1:25:56

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not really something you get to choose, yeah. I mean, I guess in some instances you do, yeah, hood, but you know, you know what, like I am at the twilight of my life, like, if I'm at a certain point, I will go out with dignity, you know, like I am. I'm not. I'm not hoping for death anytime soon, obviously, yeah, but I'm not either. I'm not afraid of it anymore.

Tracie: 1:26:21

Me neither. I think I'm more afraid of living alone than I am dying younger than I expected.

Siobhan: 1:26:28

Yeah, I'm afraid of not live, just not living like life to the fullest, because I haven't, and always, you know, like I haven't always lived in a way I wanted to or lived and and put it all out there, like I have been too scared to or not thinking I'm worthy of it in some way, or thinking like, who am I to have that kind of dream that I didn't really live my life for a long time, or like I settled for things, or was like, Well, this is the life I'm supposed to live versus this is the life I want to live.

Tracie: 1:26:59

I get it my I always thought my life was gonna be very different family, and it was for a long time when I first moved here, when Jen and I were together, and the kids and who are doing great. They're 21 and 25 now, amazing children, thanks to their mother, Jen and in my life was that's what I thought my life was always, that's what I always wanted, right? At least, that's what I thought and now. And I always like, I had to live with this person I need. You know I want. And as I've gotten older, I'm like, I don't think I want to share a house with anybody for full time, and I accredit that a lot to friends like crystal and in you, or you embrace your alone time. Oh yeah. It took me a really long time to be comfortable with being alone, and now I am, and now I'm kind of like, I don't want to leave, or I don't want to be gone forever, or do I really want these people to come on? Yeah, and I don't mean the people that were just there, but just in general, it's like, I love having people over, but that means I got to do certain things right, and I enjoy my own time. And yeah, when I want to be in a relationship, a healthy relationship, where somebody who is not screwed up three months into it, you find out they're an optional alcoholic, and they ruin your show and can't be with you, specific, and then they decide to drink in front of you for five weeks, even though they can't be with you because they have to get sober. And then they're flirting in front of you with other people. Do I want somebody like that? No, no, that was very specific. Yes, yeah, that was, that's all I'm gonna say about that. I think enough said, yeah. But, you know, I seem to have a habit of finding people that look normal, quote, unquote, whatever that means, and have it together. And then as soon as you get to that place where feelings and plans and all that, suddenly, everything, this is not the first person that I found out had addiction issues that I've been with. I got a song out of that one, though it's called worth it. She ended up marrying somebody she met in the program, but that's besides the point. It's a while ago. I'm over it. I don't care she's happy. Good for her. Thanks for the song. But I just can't seem to find somebody who actually doesn't have any surprises like that, I guess.

Siobhan: 1:29:30

Well, I don't think anyone doesn't have any surprises, like when I think about, like me and like dating and things like that, it's, it's it's hard, and it's like, I on paper, like, Yes, I have all my shit together, but there's stuff that I still need to work on, and things that, like, 100% I do, but also I get what you're saying. Because, yeah, most of the people that I've met are, like, all poly and open relationships, and they're like, Oh, this is come meet my wife and then let's go out on a date. And I'm like, Huh, okay, and that doesn't

Tracie: 1:29:59

even bother me anymore. Are, and it does out it would, but I'm open to that. I dated somebody like that for a few weeks, and life got in the way, and it changed, yeah,

Siobhan: 1:30:07

like, and I'm open to it, but it's also like, there's a part of me that's always like, but why am I doing this? If it's not going to go any place and then doesn't need to go any place? Like, no, it's just like, someone I can have dinner with a couple times a month and hang out with that. I like their company, they like mine, and that's fine, too, but it's like, okay, well, then what do I want for my future of that? Like, do I want one single partner? Do I want to be poly and open, right? Like, I'm not a jealous person, but there is something that I want to know that someone's in my corner, and they're solidly in my corner, and

Tracie: 1:30:37

they can be even if they're in a relationship with somebody else, right? Because ideally, it's supposed to be separate. I mean, you want to know who they're with, right? Yes, but your relationship is

Siobhan: 1:30:47

supposed to be separate, right? No, exactly. But it's also like, if they're married to someone else and living with someone else, are they really fully in my corner? I understand, I see what you're saying. Or is it like if it comes down to me or that person, or they're always going to go defer to their primary partner and maybe as they should, but then is it really like? Then are you fully in my corner? So they're always like, there's things about that that I still haven't kind of figured out and worked out and worked out how I feel about it, or how, like, it's supposed to work,

Tracie: 1:31:16

yeah, and I, you know, I get it, because I never thought I'd be open to something like that, but I think there's that. I think there's a part of me that's always been interested, because I've been in love with people, but then been drawn to other people, right, and developed feelings for them. I'm like, What is going on? I was like, oh, it's because you're a Gemini. No, it's not because I'm a Gemini people. You understand I'm a Gemini I

Unknown: 1:31:41

know that's why I said it.

Tracie: 1:31:45

I think Geminis get a lot of crap. Maybe there are a lot of serial killers that are Geminis. I understand that I

Siobhan: 1:31:50

had a friend's kid like, troll me at a dinner once, like, their 13 year old was like, Oh, you're too faced. And because we're somehow, we started talking about signs and like, I just looked and I was like, that's one way to put it, or the fact, the way I like to put it is that I have the ability to step back and look at it from two different point of views. So I can understand how you think differently than me, but I can understand how you get there, which is why people are such are kind of like my art and like I get along with so many people, it's because I know that you can have a different opinion, but I can see how you got there, so I get to see things from two sides. And she just, like, looked at me, and her dad looked at me, and like, gave me like this, like, Good job schooling her without being rude. She was kind of

Unknown: 1:32:31

rude to me, and

Siobhan: 1:32:32

her dad knows me well and knows like, come back and be like, Listen, you little shit, yeah. Like, was really like, like, when she said it to me. I was like, Wow, you're a bold little 13 year old. But also, like,

Tracie: 1:32:44

good for you, in a way, just channel a little bit different, right? Yeah? But, like,

Siobhan: 1:32:48

also, what she said is, it's because people keep telling her that she's not, that's not something she came to on her exactly. That was like, oh, Geminis are two face and blah, blah, no, it's we're two sided, yeah? And like, that means that we have the ability to spirit it, yeah, which 1% Yeah? Like, when I look at it, I mean, I'm on the cusp, but when I look at it, like, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's me. Like, that's true and true. Like, I I can flip really fast from being like, I always say, like, I'm very kind. I'm not nice and I'm kind until I'm not, yeah, I understand that. If you get me there, then, like, that's your fault.

Tracie: 1:33:23

Now, right in the middle, I'm June 4, so I'm very much a Gemini. I still don't follow all the attributes that they claim a Gemini has, but I'm very loyal, whether they say Geminis or not. Oh yeah, no, I'm loyal to a fall. I'm Yeah. And I mean, that's also where I come from, you know, like your word and your loyalty are the two biggest things that you get judged on. Where I'm from, mine is my dad's been married five times. My mom was married three times. And I always said and I it took me forever, but I finally came to the realization that the reason it takes me so long to let go is because I don't want to be that repeater. I don't want to be that serial relationship. And because of the people that have entered my life and how it's worked out, me not letting go hasn't changed that pattern. It's just prolonged it, and it's made it worse for me sometimes then, because it affects our friendship, right? But when I, when I, when I fall for somebody, I fall really hard, like hard because it takes a while to get there. Sometimes, sometimes I feel like it happens really fast. But you can have that crush and have them feelings, but then when you really get deep down in the feelings,

Siobhan: 1:34:43

yeah, you know, I have like, crushes on everybody. You know what I mean? Like, I joke that I fall in love with people all the time. Like, like, I told Chris from Park Street tavern, I'm like, Well, you know, after you first cooked for me, that's when I fell in love with you. And, like, like, the first time I said it, he was like, and I was like, you know, and then I have crushes on you and your brother, because your brother's cocktails are. Right? And then, you know, someone, I'm like, oh, and then that one waitress, like, I love her, like, She's always so bubbly and smart and like, like, I just fall in love with people all the time. It's part of like, I love that, you know, yeah, but there's a different have, like, a crush on someone that I'm like, Oh, I might want to date them. It's like, every time I've had it, and then I, like, get to know them a little more. And I'm like, oh, like, the version of you that lived in my head was so much better because I have the promise. I fall in love with someone's potential too, because I can see who they could be, and then it's like, oh, that's helped. Like, you know, let me put on my captain save a hope cape and, like, fix their lives.

Tracie: 1:35:34

I don't want that. I don't I understand it completely, but I don't want that retire it. I don't have any. I don't even have it anymore. Technically, yeah, hang up. I and I will give this person credit. They refuse to allow me. So the cut. I mean, because we still talked even after, right? It was a weird way that we I mean, we met, I might as well just tell the story real quick. I don't how much time you got.

Siobhan: 1:36:00

But now the time in the world,

Tracie: 1:36:04

we met at a place in Pleasanton, and it was weird. It was a Tuesday, was after karaoke, and she just happened to be there with a couple friends and crystal, and are both there, and we both became friends, right, right? And they had actually hung out prior to, I mean, after that, before her and I did, because we were hit every time I'd be like, Hey, I'm here. Oh, I can't or, you know, I have my daughter or whatever. I'm like, Cool. And it was a weird time. We I'm like, I'm gonna be, gonna be at karaoke. I'm gonna be there. So I'm like, okay, so we were there, and I don't know, we were just like, together the entire time, and, and she said something. And I put my hand on her shoulder, because she had a shirt, like a sleeveless shirt, like yours. I'm like, oh my god, your skin is so soft. And it was ridiculously soft. It was like, it was like, Baby Skin, that's how soft it was. And she made some comment, what if you think that soft you should feel? Sounds like an invitation. She goes, never know, and hooked up that night. And supposed to be casual, right? That was the plan. And but you can't be casual and see each other all the time and text each other all the time and talk on the phone and say how much you like them and how much you miss them and how much you want to see them and how excited you are for the date, blah, blah, blah, and so, you know, yeah, feeling start fast, few months of that, and I didn't do the first one. She did the whole I heart you thing when she was walking away. And not that, I don't only think she really knew what it meant at the time, but you know another person who had been with women but never had an actual love relationship, which is also my problem,

Siobhan: 1:37:39

yeah, you like the straight girls or this? I didn't know that she was straight. You know what

Tracie: 1:37:46

it is? It's bi people, people that I end up not knowing that they're bi until it's too late. It's too late. Yeah, and nothing against bisexuals at all. I used to not believe in it. I didn't understand it as a lesbian, I didn't get it. Oh, okay. It took me a really long time to understand it's not about the sex. It's about, you know, I had a growing process too, and now it's like, I don't care. But most bisexuals, I know that are women, end up with men. Yeah, that's Yeah, except for one that is currently not, yeah.

Siobhan: 1:38:20

I get that. I mean, and every most bisexual women I know that have gone into a relationship, have been in long relationships with a woman or two, and then go back to men.

Tracie: 1:38:29

Yes, every single person that I've known, yeah, that considered that identifies as bisexual, and that's why I'm like,

Siobhan: 1:38:37

that's why I don't identify as bisexual, even though most people would probably say that I am

Tracie: 1:38:44

just, yeah, and I understand that. I mean, and some of the people I've dated aren't necessarily bisexual. They're, they're, they're, they're pan, or they're just, I don't even know all the terms. Every time I'm on one of those, they're just open to any buddy, right, right, yeah, which is great. There's nothing wrong with I love that. I think, David, I just want, I don't mind. I don't care who you are. I guess I just want somebody to choose me.

Siobhan: 1:39:10

Yeah, no, I get it. I have that feeling all the time too. Like, sometimes I went out for drinks with this guy, and we've been flirting on and off for like, a while, and then I we had, like, both said something about going out together, and then we just never got it together. And then I just would see him, everyone smile, and I'd give him shit. And then we went out for drinks. And then we had, like, a great night. And I was like, Yeah, I just wasn't sure if you weren't really interested. And he's like, No, it's not that I'm not not interested, but like, I kind of am seeing someone. And then I was like, then why are we out for drink? Like, why wouldn't you have just told me up front, yeah, and then I was just like, wow. Like, if you would take me on, like, an audition date. Like, is, Are you someone that I would really want to date? And it, like, really changed the whole way I, like, perceived him. Because I'm like, why wouldn't you just be like, Oh, I would love to date, go out, but, like, I'm actually seeing someone right now. Great. Okay. Like, then, friend. Friend Zone us. Like, that's cool, because I don't want to be on a pseudo date with you while you're seeing. Like, what is that? Yeah, and it like, it was like, the not honest about it part, which threw me off, because he didn't seem like that kind of guy at all, where it was just like, and then I didn't really say anything. I was just like, All right, well, I guess I don't know, maybe if you're ever single and I'm still around, but, like, also, no,

Tracie: 1:40:24

yeah, no, I get that. I mean, before this person, I had met somebody else there, and I had a little crush, and we would just meet, you know, like she was part of a group of other people that I was friends with and and they'd be there every Tuesday. They go have dinner together, because they're all great friends. And then they would come and we'd do karaoke. They would do karaoke with everybody, right? And that's how we all met down there. And was, I don't know, I just I asked one of her friends who actually was her, and I had become really good friends. So what's up with your friend? Is she open? I think it's pretty open. You could always just ask her. And I don't know why I did it, but I'm like, so

Siobhan: 1:41:13

yeah, well, because you don't know unless you

Tracie: 1:41:16

have right? And I just said, Hey, you know she's gorgeous, too. Oh my god. And I just said, Would you be interested in going to have dinner sometime, getting to know each other? I never wanted to use the date word. And she's like, Yeah, that would be fun. And she goes, Are you asking me out on a date? I go, Yeah, I guess I am. She's like, yes. Now kiss me. Oh. She goes, Okay, so there's some things I need to tell you. And I'm in a relationship, I'm non ethically, non ethically, non monogamous. Thank you. I have my main partner. They have a wife, and it was probably the most honest person, yeah, I have ever come across in life? Well, I had known in relationships, and I was like, this is this is starting out to know that I'm gonna wrap my head around that a little bit, but I've always had these feelings, like I said earlier, that maybe that's something I'd like to explore. First date was 1214, hours long. It was great, yeah. And then life got in the way, yeah, you know, and things of she was going through kind of took a hold and needed space. And yeah, it just ended up eventually she just like, I just can't pursue relationship with, you know, because she had different versions of, I what I didn't know things that she didn't tell me until later, that she felt but I'm like, right? Why didn't you tell me this before? I sure we could have worked on that, but, you know, it was what it was, and I'm grateful for it, because that's what I want, right? Yeah, not necessarily that type of relationship. I mean, I'm open to it, but somebody who can just be honest with me,

Siobhan: 1:43:01

yeah, and that's one thing. Like dating people in the poly world is nice because they have to have so many conversations, so they're some of the best communicators out there. My friend, one of my friends, they opened up. Or, like, a couple of my friends have open relationships. One of them opened their relationship a few years ago. And like watching their learning curve on it, and like, what they've had to do, and books that they read, and just one of them was like, this is the pool you should be dating from, because you'll find the people that are most honest and this and that, and know how to communicate and know what they want. And, yeah, that's great. Do I know what I want? Like, am I not good of a communicator? Maybe, maybe not. You know, it's, it's, you know, me, I'm just making a joke. But, yeah, it is, it is, I think there is a plot that's a huge plus in that community is the amount of people that do know how to communicate and and are just open and honest with it. And I think a lot of people don't know how to do that because we're never taught it. You have to go out and, like, learn it yourself and teach it.

Tracie: 1:44:01

And we're in this country, it's, it's not just this country, but in the world in general, I think, but I don't know. I haven't really traveled a lot, which I'm hoping to do at some point in my life. You know, it's all about monogamy, right? And that's all you know. That's how you've been taught. That's all you so you still have to communicate even in that relationship, but the majority of is, well, we can't communicate anymore, so let's

Siobhan: 1:44:26

right, instead of having the heart because people don't want to have hard conversations, yeah, and that's really

Tracie: 1:44:31

when I'm not saying 100% that I necessarily, because I don't know if I can do a relationship like that. I mean, I wish that this relationship had gotten more time where we could actually spend. I mean, we only went out a couple times, and we did a lot of texting and calling, but not like, real quality time, just because she's very busy and she had vacations, and then things happen, and, like I said, things she had to deal with that weren't so great. Right? And it is what it is, but it would have been a great testing ground because I don't know, because I didn't know, I don't know if I could have done that with this last one.

Siobhan: 1:45:10

But well, yeah, you have to be open to sharing someone.

Tracie: 1:45:13

Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about that, which is stupid, but in a way, it is because I see myself like I said. I've been in relationships where I've been very much in love with somebody, but then there's somebody that I meet and I'm like, Oh, wow. Didn't know I could feel this way well and I would be open to that. So why would I not be open to the other person doing that right, right? So that's that part of myself I why I really have to work with because it's like, if that's something that I'm that ever comes into my life again, I have to be okay with that if that's something that I wanted to have freedom to do, right?

Siobhan: 1:45:55

Oh, yeah, definitely. And there's a bunch of books on it, like, where you can figure out that will help you figure out what how you feel

Tracie: 1:46:00

about it, or get one from one of our friends, or

Siobhan: 1:46:03

give you ideas on how like the new relationships can look. Yeah? Because I think, yeah. I think monogamy works for some people. Like, I was always monogamous. It was never crossed my mind to not be, you know, when I was in my long term relationship, it just and a couple times. Like, we joke, I joke, like, if there's ever anyone else you want to go sleep with, like, just be honest with me. Like, and if it's just sex, we'll talk about it and work it out. Like, I was always kind of like that, and he was not. And he would be like, Why would you say that? And I'm like, I just, like, just, don't I'm like, I'll be hurt if you lie to me about it. Like, I'd rather us just talk about it. Like, there's some chick that you really like, oh, this chick is like, I really just want to know what that's like. And like, I'm kind of okay with it, like, I if it's not your feelings, and like, you want to come back to me every night. You know, like, my ex was a huge flirt. And some people would be like, is it bother you? I'm like, No, I know where he comes home every night, and if that's what he needs to do, or if, you know we were both also worked in the service industry, so we're both flirts, and we that's what makes him feel good about himself at the moment, but I know he's coming home to me then that doesn't bother me. Yeah, I just doesn't talk about communication, yeah? And I know who he is and or, you know, at that time, we thought I did, you know, I, you know, I just was secure in our relationship, so it was fine. I don't mind. And now sometimes I think, like, I have two dates this week, and both of them have primary partners. And, you know, we've gone out on dates before, and I, I know one of their wives, like, she signed off on him midnight dating, and it's interesting. But I also, like I said, I'm always like, Hmm, but is that, do I get enough of the attention that I need from that person? Do I get an Am I fulfilled enough? Well, yeah, am I okay with just that? This is a thing where we meet up a couple of times a month, and we have a great time when we're together, and then there's no stress and no worries. But we're

Tracie: 1:47:50

not that's something that that this person, not the last one, but the one I was talking about originally, right? Or before, that's what first thing, one of the first things, she's, I mean, like I said, she showed me pictures, video, yeah. I mean, it was a very intense, fun, amazing first date. I learned a lot, right? But even that night that when I asked her out, she's like, Well, okay, here's the situation. Let me look at my schedule. What day? She's like, you know, because I have this person, and then we have a person that we're with together, and then we're both free to see other. She goes. So I'm very busy. It's not like I can be with you every night, right? I'm like, That's okay, yeah, I'm okay with that. I just appreciate, like I said, the honesty, and that's the thing you really do have to communicate. It's like, scheduling time, yep, because that's exactly what you're doing, even in marriages, like people that are struggling, and they go to counseling, that's what they tell them, right? Schedule time, yeah. So why isn't it? The only difference is the amount of partners, right? Yeah, I make it sound so easy.

Siobhan: 1:48:53

I have friends that have, like, Google, multiple Google Calendars, and then like, yeah, partners that are aware of how much time they spend with each other a partner, and they want to be even and like that. And I'm like, that's a lot of feelings, and that's a lot of work, like, especially if somebody has kids, yeah. And I'm like, that's the part where, like, I am so busy in every other aspect of my life that, like, scheduling time with this person and that person, and making sure I have even time with both people, because if, if they, especially if they know each other, and they know who's spending time with who, and they're tracking that like that feels too much to me, yeah, like that is like a world that that's too much, and I'm not going to get involved.

Tracie: 1:49:31

I guess it would depend on, I mean, would it be somebody that had like, you know, a main and then like, three other people? No, right? That's way too much. I mean, if it was like, they only dated one other person while they were, you know, right?

Siobhan: 1:49:45

Yeah, because then it becomes like, Are you dating all these people because you're actually connected to them, or are you dating them all because you can? There's that question, you know, and I think sometimes that's where I also question someone's motives in all of this openness. And dating and, you know, and dating multiple people, and scheduling yourself to be with someone every single day, but not committing to like, that's where I start to be like, okay, but what's your motivation for all of this? And right? Why do you need so much attention from so many different

Tracie: 1:50:14

people out there that? And I'm not saying that that's what's happening in these relationships, but maybe that is what draws some people, right? Because they do require

Siobhan: 1:50:23

so much, and also, like, good for you for knowing what you need, yeah, but maybe that's not the person that I need to be, you know. And it's not a judgment, it's it's just a wondering, what, what, where do you fit, right, and what like I have, I have said this, I think before on here, I have a problem with buy guys, which I didn't think I would, I'm so open and whatever, but I was just like, Yeah, but is it because you're actually attracted to men too, or is it because you'll just fuck anything? And I hate that. That's my instinct, but it is, and I've talked to different PI guys about it, and gay guys and straight you know what I mean, like, if like, I want to get over that bias that I have, but, and I think it's

Tracie: 1:51:01

based on, I had the same thing with United sexuals in general. So I get it, yeah. And so to me, at least before I grew,

Siobhan: 1:51:10

I'm still growing, I guess, because I still don't know if I would date a bi guy, it's understandable, because it's totally different sex, yeah, and it's Yeah, but it's also like, I don't know, it's just it's one of my spots that I'm like, Huh? I don't love that about myself, but also I can, it's understandable. And so many people have been like, yeah, no, it's different sex. It's different this. It's doing that. And for me, it's like, I just, am I? And to me, it's actually probably comes from my own insecurity, like, Oh, I'm gonna get it special. I'm just another hole, like, you know, like, one hole, yeah, and so, but I hate that, and I I understand. We'll work on it, but it may never change, or may not, you know, and I'll be okay with it. And I then that just means that that's not a person I'm meant to be with, and that's okay, too.

Tracie: 1:52:00

I understand that. I mean, I know, I know somebody else who didn't have an issue if their boyfriend were with other men, as long as they were with other women, yeah, the only they want to be the only woman. Yeah, that makes sense to

Siobhan: 1:52:16

me too. That makes sense to me too, yeah. And it's all about personal preference and what you're comfortable with, and then being able to be open and honest and communicate that with your partner or partners,

Tracie: 1:52:27

you know, and there's a lot of guys out there, we know, we don't care if you sleep with other women, but we don't want you with another guy, right? Right? So it just depends on your boundaries and what you're comfortable with. Just like you said, it's communication. I mean, it's communication, so I don't know, but I'm open, I'm single,

Siobhan: 1:52:44

all right? And people can find you on your YouTube that will link in, and they can usually find you at karaoke or open mic and at fireside.

Tracie: 1:52:52

Yes, I've been going back, I know. But this Wednesday, I'm Sheena is hosting, can I plug? Yeah, absolutely. She's hosting karaoke with DJ somebody. I can't think of his name, I apologize, but if you go to McGee's, oh, okay, she's at McGee's this Wednesday. All right, so starts at seven, yay. All right, well, we'll put this out probably tomorrow. Yeah, just gotta Yeah, that one spot in one spot, one

Siobhan: 1:53:20

spot. We'll edit that out, and we'll put this out and plug Sheena, and then maybe, you know, she'll hear the plug and come on, sooner she should. Thank you so much for sharing your update with us and stuff that's really hard.

Tracie: 1:53:33

It's been an interesting I don't know it's been interesting. I don't know what is in store for me. I don't know, job wise, what's gonna happen. I'm not gonna lie. I'm freaking out about the money issued at the end of the month. Be great if my lawsuit settled before then, universe. But you know, you know what? It all comes back to music, right? Yeah, if it wasn't for the music, I probably would not be very sane right now. So I'm thankful for that. And it's whatever gets me back into it, I guess,

Siobhan: 1:54:04

yeah. And this will probably help lend you into it. You'll, I'm sure you'll get some good songs out of all this shit that you're going through.

Tracie: 1:54:10

I'm currently working on, which we didn't talk about because of the state of the world. It's called too much, and I've been working on it since Roe versus Wade was overturned. Oh yeah, I can't. And now where we're at now I

Siobhan: 1:54:23

can't, with the state of the world right now, I keep taking media breaks so I because I just can't. And then, yeah, I'll start to and I'll just be like, Oh my god, the dumpster fire that is our and I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know how to, you know, all I can do is affect my small community,

Tracie: 1:54:40

right? Exactly, and that's share, you know, educate, yep,

Siobhan: 1:54:44

just be there. We had a huge community event on Saturday that was really beautiful and amazing. And it was just the good vibes and people. And it was so nice to spend a day surrounded by, oh, here, yeah, Island festival. It was an amazing vibe. And I. You know, the Filipino community isn't a beautiful community that just comes out for enforce for each other and then to they're just a nice group of people, like everyone was and everyone that was there, not just Filipinos, but everyone that was at the event, where people were patient and kind and open and having fun and just enjoying it, and it looked amazing and grateful for that. This was being put on for them. Yeah, I

Tracie: 1:55:24

was just my own little community at my house. Yeah, two of them happened to be Filipino. They're amazing, Paulo and Abby and and then my friend Rosa, we were just jamming and doing music, and we had our own little festival. Was a lot of fun, good. So those

Siobhan: 1:55:41

moments are important, yeah, well, thank you for thank you for joining us. Tracy, course, everyone that's listening, thank you for listening. Go check out Tracy music. She's on YouTube and Spotify. You can find her wherever you stream your music from. Ali will link all of her stuff in our show notes. And thank you for listening, and make sure you go find your joy today.

Tracie: 1:56:03

Just remember every day you're awake, every day you wake up is a good day, and just go from there. Yeah, and music is medicine.

Siobhan: 1:56:14

More plug. Yeah. Wise world, thank you.

Tracie: 1:56:18

Thank you. Sean, appreciate you. Thank you. Bye.